How much love is enough?

Is there a time when you feel the love you have experienced is enough and you actually want to have less of it? There are songs that compare love to the food that we eat, the water we drink and even the very air that we breathe, almost to say that love is as basic as all that and that we cannot live without being loved.

Yet, hand to heart, if you need to check in with yourself to see if you have pushed back on the love offered to say that what you have received is enough, you are very likely to say truthfully that there have been many many times in your life that you have said no to love offered to you, at least a ‘not now’, if not a firm no. To that extent, love is more like the food we eat rather than the air we breathe – we want it only to a certain extent, of a certain quality and yes, we would like the assurance that it will be available when we are hungry again; but there’s generally a saturation point.

The trick is in being able to say no when we are satisfied and not available to receive anything more, in a way that it leaves the provider of the affection with the assurance that what they have to offer is very much valued, important and needed, that this is hopefully only a temporary satiation. Where we mess up is that we end up making our partner feel as if something is wrong with them for wanting to give more and more rather than owning our own fullness. We end up saying it not only in as many words (‘Jeez! You are just too much!’) but also with added meanness and judgment (‘You are a maniac!’ or worse) that not only hurts them but shames them for wanting and being able to love as much. The shaming can really be a killer, messing with their self-esteem and joy of life.

It is perfectly okay and very much normal that we differ widely in our ability, appetite and need for love. It is a very wide spectrum, and yes, there’s such a thing as finding a matching partner who can love us the way we want not only in the here and now, but on an ongoing basis. Yet we all change – sometimes for a short while, but often for good. The question then remains in how we understand these changes with ourselves and then figure out how to bring it up with our partners, but we end up often being critical of our partners rather than recognising that we are changed. We need to own it.

The hurt we cause by not only rejecting the love we are offered but also being mean and even nasty about it, often leaves a lasting negative impact.

(The writer’s views are personal)