She was a teacher, or rather had been one. She taught for over 25 years and was happy doing it. Although towards the end she wanted to get away, she stuck to it. As she looked back through the years, she saw that it had always been there. She really hated.
It wasn’t hatred of anyone in particular, but a feeling of general hate.
When she discovered it, she thought it was something superficial she could discard; but she found that it wasn’t just a mild affair, but a deep-rooted hatred. She always thought she was affectionate and kind. Love is a strange thing; as long as thought is woven through it, it isn’t love. When you think of someone you love, that person becomes the symbol of pleasant sensations, memories, images; but that isn’t love.
Thought is sensation, and sensation is not love. The very process of thinking is the denial of love. Love is the flame without the smoke of thought, jealousy, antagonism, usage, which of the mind. As long as the heart is burdened with the things of the mind, there must be hate. The mind is the seat of hate, antagonism, opposition, and conflict. Thought is reaction, and reaction is always the source of enmity. Thought always seeks an end; its fulfilment is pleasure and its frustration is hate.
‘You see, I always thought I loved children, and even when they grew up they came to me for comfort. I took for granted that I loved them; but now I see there was always an undercurrent of hate, of deep-rooted antagonism. What am I to do with this discovery? I am appalled by it.’
Have you also discovered the process of hate? Do you observe it as you would a strange animal? ‘It is all new to me, and I never watched the process of hate.’ Let us do so now; let us be passively watchful of hate. Don’t be shocked, don’t condemn or find excuses; just passively watch it. Hate is a form of frustration, isn’t it? Fulfilment and frustration always go together. What are you interested in, not professionally, but deep down? ‘I always wanted to paint.’ Why haven’t you? ‘My father insisted that I shouldn’t do anything that didn’t bring money. He was an aggressive man, and thought money was everything. Though I liked him, I was opposed to him in many ways. The idea of the importance of money was embedded in me; and I liked teaching, probably because it offered me an opportunity to be the boss. On my holidays I used to paint, but it was unsatisfactory; I wanted to give my life to it, but I gave it only a couple of months. Finally I stopped painting, but it was burning me inside. I now see how it bred antagonism.’
Were you ever married? Do you have children? ‘I fell in love with a married man, and we lived together secretly. I was jealous of his wife and children, and scared to have babies, though I longed for them. All the natural things, the everyday companionship, were denied me, and jealousy was a consuming fury. He had to move to another town, and my jealousy never abated. It was unbearable. To forget it all, I took to teaching more intensely. But now I see I am still jealous, not of him, for he is dead, but of happy people, of married people, of the successful, of almost anyone. What we could have been together was denied to us!’
Jealousy is hate, isn’t it? If one loves, there is no room for anything else. But we do not love; the smoke chokes our life, and the flame dies.
‘I see now that in school, with my married sisters, and in almost all relationships, there was a war, only it was covered up. I was becoming the ideal teacher; this was my goal.’ The stronger the ideal, the deeper the suppression, the deeper the conflict and antagonism. ‘Yes, I see that now; and strangely, as I watch, I don’t mind being what I actually am.’ You don’t mind it because there is a kind of brutal recognition. As jealousy gave a pleasurable sensation, the knowledge of your past gives you a pleasurable sense of mastery. You now have a new term for jealousy and frustration; it is ‘hate’ and the knowledge of it.
Watch the process of your thinking. How cunning and deceptive it is! It promises release, but only produces crises, another antagonism. Just be passively watchful of this and let the truth of it be. ‘Will there be freedom from jealousy, hate, and this constant, suppressed battle?’
When you hope for something, you project your desire; you will succeed in your desire, but that is only another substitution, and the battle is on again. This desire to gain or avoid is still within the field of opposition. See the false as the false, then the truth is. You don’t have to look for it. What you seek you will find, but it will not be the truth. It is like a suspicious man finding what he suspects, which is comparatively easy and stupid. Just be passively aware of this thought process, and of the desire to be free from it. ‘This is an extraordinary discovery for me, and I am beginning to see the truth of what you say. I hope it won’t take long to get over this conflict. There I am hoping again! I shall silently watch what happens.’
— Excerpts from Commentaries on living by Jiddu Krishnamurti