These are some of the weirdest, best and most desirable parenting news, tips, books and products I found in 2015.
Prediction of Stupidity
A glum mum I met at the school gates said that her daughter was going to have a low IQ. How did she know this? Parents are using dermatoglyphics to foretell how smart their kids will be. Well, kids too should have a way to predict how stupid their parents will be.
Unleash your child’s latent genius, or drive it out of hiding with ‘midbrain activation.’ This programme supposedly equips kids to sense visual properties without actually seeing them! It also claims to improve memory, concentration and intuition by stimulating certain parts of the brain. For Rs 10,000-Rs 25,000 per course, it’s a steal.
Mompreneurs want their children develop leadership skills necessary to dominate the boardroom. But aren’t kids born with innate negotiation skills? It’s how they get you to read Good Night Moon 200 times before they go to sleep.
How to Grow Grown Ups
Forget tiger, kangaroo and preying mantis parenting. This year’s bestsellers were all about raising independent go-getters who don’t cry to their parents every time life throws them a googly. I guess I can’t call my mom and cry about how the kids are bullying me anymore.
Dip your toe in the waters of this trend by eschewing blue and pink clothes or stereotypical toys. Wade in with a neutral name like Blue or plunge in and refuse to reveal the gender of your baby until the child identifies themselves as male or female on their own.
It’s the overuse of social media by parents to share news about their kids. It’s called ‘shared’ parenting. My favourite? Sharing kids with people who don’t have any so they can decide whether to be parents or get a pet iguana. (Get the iguana.)
Videos that charter the entire birthing process from contraction to suture. Also, great sweet 16 birthday gifts. You’ll never need to give kids the ‘safe sex’ chat after they see themselves being born.
You can’t share snaps of you cuddling your just newborn looking like you actually gave birth. A little botox to smooth out those wrinkles of exhaustion? A small nip tuck to steady that wobbling chin?
The Fridet: a Portable Bidet is essentially an upcycled ketchup squeeze bottle that washes your kid’s butt. A steal at $16 on amazon.com
‘A male body type that is softly round and built on the theory that once a man has found a mate and fathered a child, he doesn’t need to worry about maintaining a sculpted physique.’ So women have to look like Irina Shayk hours after child birth but it’s desirable for dads to look like they live on six packs of Heineken?
(The writer is a former copywriter whose parenting philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me)