CHENNAI: Beautiful family portraits and cute holiday photographs adorn the hall at 38-year-old Vasumathi's* house. But what's most disturbing is that she's not in any of them. "I have been a stepmother to a daughter and a son for six years now. They haven't accepted me as a 'mom' yet. We do go on vacations and holidays, but I am never a part of them. I am more of a manager," she says bleakly and walks us into her room. "The mother of my children (step children) passed away eight years ago. I met their father, we fell in love and got married. Despite not knowing the children all that well, I plunged into becoming a full-time stepmom. Sometimes I do fell less appreciated," she sighs.
Most stepmothers across the globe face Mother's Day with dread and can you blame them for that? "I do understand and also accept that there are children who have had close to nightmarish experiences with their stepmoms. But, it's neither fair nor right to look at all of us as fairy-tale villains," says Vasumathi and asserts that they are "real" mothers too. "My husband is extremely dedicated and an amazing father. I am quite sure I'll be able to befriend my children one day," she says hopefully, looking across the hall, at her adolescent children.
While one cannot disagree that step-parenting is already the most and equally challenging form of parenting there is, there are some like Maria* who celebrate their significant other's shared parenting. "In a relationship already packed with multiple emotions and complications, to embrace and celebrate shared parenting comes with a lot of adjustments and resilience. But, at the end, it's all worth it," says Maria who has a healthy relationship with her 17-year-old stepson. "After their divorce, my husband and his ex-wife decided to have joint custody of the child. I think it has been the best decision. It sends a very positive message about parenting and also life in general. Today, whenever he comes to visit us, he has the best time. He enjoys my company and we have learnt to respect our relationships," she explains. Ask her if she is celebrated as a "mother" by her stepson and she beams. "Of course! Though I personally feel that the day has become nothing but commercial, he makes it a point to wish me and give me a handmade bouquet on that day. He is happy that he has a whole bunch of parents. My husband and his ex-wife wish me too!" she laughs.
But, all the joy didn't come Maria's way without facing challenges. "Jumping into step-parenting is one thing, but that combined shared parenting is more challenging. Initially it was hard to integrate into a family that has seen separation and bittersweet emotions. It has its own baggage. So, as adults, we laid the ground rules and worked towards it," she explains. From always having the feeling of being number two or the woman who tries hard to be a mother, Maria says she has been through it all. "It's natural. Just because you are a step mom, people think you are less of a mother and incapable of having maternal instincts. But, I never paid heed to what the society thought. I worked my way towards integrating and blending with the family and I have been successful," she says.
Despite the stepmother-child relationship breaking the conventional barrier in some families, the topic is seldom openly discussed about and is hushed. We experienced it first hand when several stepmoms refused to talk to us about the relationship they shared with their children. "The outside world hasn't come to terms with accepting that stepmothers are also "mothers". The fact remains that we cannot make everyone happy but, it's important for me as a mother to safe guard the privacy of my child," said a stepmom when we tried reaching her.
Charulatha*, a stepmother of two children and a psychotherapist emphasises that stepmoms should stop feeling sorry for themselves when they are not acknowledged on Mother's Day by their family or stepchildren. "My stepchildren are young adults who had a very bitter and strained relationship with their mother. Despite me smothering them with genuine love and care, they don't acknowledge either of us on Mother's Day and that's okay. Children are usually torn and made to feel anxious about their loyalties during such situations. The least one can do as a mature adult is to understand that being part of a step-family is complicated," she explains. The stepmoms who feel unappreciated and ignored on Mother's Day might go through a whole lot of emotions including feeling frustrated and jealous. Charulatha advices, "Remember, the day doesn't define you as a person. It's Mother's Day, and to be and to not be a mother is your choice."