CHENNAI: From making duty lists and self-care charts to bonding over kitchen encounters and movie marathons — setting boundaries for physical, mental and emotional space is the need of thehour too, finds Roshne Balasubramanian
After being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in 2019, Mariam Khan, a 30-year-old homemaker took it upon herself to overcome her condition by distinguishing between excessive fears and identifying false alarms. Her home became her haven, and the period when her husband and children were at work and school became her time to practice self-care. “I could declutter, reflect on what was happening in life and most importantly, breathe. By the time my family returned home, I used to have the energy to foster positivity,” she says. But her well-laid out routine took a hit last month when the nation-wide lockdown was announced.
‘Mariam, I am home and Ma, we are home!’ had turned to ‘We are always home’ — mounting waves of stress on Mariam. She grappled with her anxieties while trying her best to co-exist. “I have always needed my space. Since my husband and children were at home all the time, I felt suffocated. There were chores to do round-theclock and the confinement drove me up the wall. It made me think I was a bad wife and mother for feeling this way,” she shares. But after guidance from her psychologist, she decided to constructively address the issue in hand.
“I had an open conversation with my family about the need for space, how chores have to be divided and about how I felt. The next day, when I woke up, I was surprised to see my husband cooking and my children cleaning the house. They had prepared a chart of their daily duties. A dedicated workspace was set up in our guest bedroom to give me the needed space at home. Discussing with my family about what I felt helped me. They have become more mindful of my state,” she explains. COVID-19 has put people across the globe in a zone of isolated-yet-neveralone confinement, making personal time and space the need of the hour. While the prolonged period of quarantine might help several families and people living with a partner or a roommate strengthen their relationship, it could be a testing time for the rest.
It takes two to tango
For city-based couple Vignesh Mohanmani and Felcy, the news of lockdown was nothing short of a nightmare. The self-confessed extroverts say that they felt it would be nearly impossible to stay within the confinement of four walls. But, instead of wallowing in the fear of the unknown, they decided to prepare a game plan of how their day would go and how a dramatic increase in the time they spend together doesn’t become a recipe for potential frustrations.
“We ensure we spend quality time together — working out, learning dance routines, doing Zumba and catching up on TV shows. Felcy and I love cooking, so we take turns to do it. She has recently started growing microgreens at home and I have started learning to play the keyboard — we respect each other’s private time. So apart from spending six to eight hours focussing on our office work, we divide the time into smaller pockets to accommodate ‘our time’ and ‘me time’.
It has worked well for us!” says Vignesh. While couples and partners with similar interests might find sharing a space easier, it might be a task for those who don’t. “If your partner doesn’t feel the need to be part of any activity you wish to do, be understanding of them. Instead, you can make a list of things you would like to accomplish by the end of the lockdown, without involving the other person. You can work on your personal skills and introspect,” says Nisha Khanna, relationship consultant, and counselling psychologist at Happymarriages. com (a social initiative by Bharat Matrimony).
Divide and conquer Undone laundry, making meals, dirty dishes, and taking out the trash — when quarantined, daily chores become the source for bickering. But Mumbai-based Tanushree Sharma, who works in the CSR wing of Piramal Foundation has learned to strike a balance between her personal time and work while also helping her family with household chores.
It has not only reduced the stress at home but has also improved bonding. “My immediate family lives in New Delhi and I couldn’t go there owing to the lockdown. So, as soon as the lockdown was announced, I moved in with my Maasi (aunt) and cousins in Mumbai. It was a wise decision as staying with my family keeps me going during such a trying time,” she shares. Apart from adopting a healthy lifestyle and setting personal goals, Tanushree has ensured to be mindful of her family’s limitations and space during the period.
“If one person has to cook, do the dishes or do the laundry of four people in the house, it could be overwhelming and overburden them. So we have divided our chores. We are also mindful of our personal routines. For instance, I understand that my aunt’s nap time is important to her, just like how my work calls are to me. We don’t disturb each other,” she says. Being proactive and dividing chores not only enables one to conquer quarantine but can also nurture relationships
Structured time Two cats in a room, Mean Girls references and whatnots — gone are the days when the idea of women living together in harmony was labelled impossible. New Delhi-based media professional Anshika Nagar and her flatmates have made their bachelorette pad into the perfect space for a happy quarantine. “Honestly, when we moved in together, we weren’t very close friends. So I did anticipate friction, considering we spend every day at home now. But I was wrong. A day before the lockdown was announced, we made a chart of our house duties.
We set up our workstations in the living room. We made sure we don’t encroach each other’s space,” shares Anshika. From shared fitness routines, acting as each other’s soundingboards, eating meals together to watching Bollywood movies — these women have ensured they have a good time while running their house like welloiled machines. A structured time, giving each other privacy, and easy entertainment has been helping them have a positive impact on their relationship. Group confinement, Anshika says, is not always impossible
Stronger than ever For Bengaluru-based Bharath Kumar J, co-founder, The Verb Studio, living away from his immediate family might be tough, but he tells us that his friends-cum-flatmates-cum-colleagues have made his quarantine period better. “Going out to work and hitting the gym are two things that I miss the most. But, my friends and I have turned our dinner table into our workspace. We cook together, eat together and have riveting conversations.
We come together for periods of entertainment and also give time for each other to retreat. It has brought us closer to each other,” he says. City-based psychologist Angeline Mary Barron says that having a happy quarantine involves a lot of work and nurturing, just like any relationship. “It deals with people’s emotions, feelings and sentiments. But it isn’t impossible. In this trying time, a lot of people are going through bouts of stress and anxiety. So what we all need to focus on is being compassionate and empathetic to one another’s needs and limitations, “ she says