CHENNAI: We all have that one film which might have changed our perception of the self or the world around us. It was Dostana for me. I watched the film when I was in class 10 and it piqued my interest to read about sexual orientation. But, as a teenager, I was already bullied for being fat, effeminate, and also sexually assaulted.
After grappling with this trauma and uncertainty for the next few years, I got a better understanding only when I moved to college. I mustered up the courage to identify myself as a gay queer person. I decided to gradually open up because I couldn’t fake my identity anymore, face alienation from society, and there was so much stress pent up inside me. I was diagnosed with depression, and also indulged in self-harm.
Fighting inner battles
During my final year, I came out to my cousin. She was empathetic, accepting, and continues to remain my pillar of support. I then opened up to my close friends and that brought my mental health back on track. I kept building my support system even at my workplace. My colleagues were supportive and I recently came out to the entire organisation during an internal Pride event. I wanted to protect myself first and so I was determined to be financially stable. I moved out of my joint family telling that I want to live closer to office.
I picked up hobbies like gardening and art. I had a terrace garden where I was growing flowering plants and organic vegetables. I had a mini cactus garden, and during the pandemic, I marketed them and sold them for some good money. I am equally passionate about painting mandalas and sketching. I did a painting with lots of pink to show that it is not a feminine colour, and created others on social stereotypes. Today, I’m an upcoming wall muralist trying to create a great ambience for children and working professionals.
Taking the big leap
Despite making progress, I always felt a heaviness within because I never came out to my mom. Some NGO groups like Orinam publish local stories of coming out, updates about all the government-related support that the community gets, and the legal challenges. Coming out to my mother wasn’t a single-day event. First, I shared my disinterest in attraction to the opposite gender. I said I was not ready to marry a woman. She had a vague idea even when I was taking psychiatric treatment. She thought I was a trans person, but later she understood that I’m gay and she handled it quite well.
In the month of April, I came across an Instagram page (@dads.of.meenakshi), of gay parents who got a daughter via surrogacy and how they settled in Australia. They spread hope for queer and equal parenting, and that felt like a dream life for me. I took some images from their profile and sat down with my mom. I opened up to her showing the picture of the two dads and the daughter, and said this is how I want to live my life.
She understood and immediately said if this is the life I want to live, go anywhere to live it happily and always be unapologetic. She wanted me to have a family and get in a good direction. I felt such a relief after coming out to her. I know that she accepted me because I’m her son and she loves me. But, currently, we are on a journey where I want her to accept the LGBTQIA+ community and we are creating awareness for ourselves by watching queer shows and having difficult conversations often.
I strongly believe that it’s not only the queer folks but the society that needs to come out of the closet because the actual closet is being unaware or misinformed of the people’s diversity and inclusion. I’m hoping for my mother to accept the community with an open heart. As for me, I’m focusing on corporate and educational institutions to get wall mural projects, and make a colourful and creative impact. Ellen DeGeneres is known for spreading joy and kindness, and I took my name LN, to spread joy and love in the form of colours and that makes us equally gay.
For details, visit Instagram: @LN_walltalk
As told to Vaishali Vijaykumar