CHENNAI: There was a little boy named Zi who loved doing zardozi, a metal embroidery work. But he did it secretly as he feared his parents would find out about his new hobby. This is the plot of the book Zardo Zi, Stitched with Love, written by Debasmita Dasgupta. I wonder how many such Zis would have gone ahead in their lives with their passion.
The encroachment of stereotypes into our personal lives has impacted each of us, irrespective of gender. While the pressure to procreate is an inseparable part of a woman’s life, the pressure to earn and shoulder the family’s responsibility is tethered to every man. However, some individuals subvert these said and unsaid rules in their unique ways by adhering to their belief system, even when the shadows of the omnipresent society try to suffocate them.
Steering away from stereotypes
Amall Sanall finds joy in crafting and curating his dresses, marking his style statement, but this path, strewn with disapproval, hasn’t been an effortless one.
For Amall, who runs an online Instagram store called AMSHAM that sells hand-made jewellery and stitched products, there is a set of people who pour appreciation for the art he creates, however, there have been criticisms for taking up the lanes that deviate from the straight paths of the society.
He recalls an incident that has become an irksome memory for him, a piece of childhood recollections that towered over him for a long time. He narrates, “I was in 4th or 5th standard. I made a doll out of paper; the basic idea was to make the paper doll a mannequin. My intention was to make many dresses for the mannequin. One of my teachers asked why I was making dolls. I was too young to understand what the problem was. If I am saying this now, something stuck with me. This kind of attitude, when it comes from a teacher, the whole class takes this up. If this statement were not made, it wouldn’t have taken these many years to understand that I have always been artistic. It took so many years to explore myself.”
Despite attempts to nip such creative ideas in the bud, he knew that colours fascinated him and he was delighted to hew out a tangible product. He recalls another instance where he had to hear a disheartening comment from a distant relative.
“During the pandemic, I independently stitched a skirt for my niece. I was very happy. I never knew I would do something like that. A relative of mine called me up to ask why I was doing such a creepy thing - this is something a woman would do.”
Navigating these unrewarding arguments and people who thoughtlessly reiterate stereotypes, today, this admirer of colours and prints, thrives creating from waste fabric. However, in a bid to follow his heart, he says, “This bullying has always been there. Rather than seeing my effort, my concept of making jewellery from waste fabric or crocheting while travelling was seen in a very wrong way.”
The question, he says, was narrowed down to why he was making them. However, the idea that he was earning something out of this work, mildly counters these comments.
For Naveen Vox, a vocalist and a voice-over artiste, a stinging memory from his school days still hurts.
He says, “I had a passion to do belly dancing and learn music. However, the idea of pursuing dance was not supported by my family. On the other side, my classmates, and friends mocked me because I do belly dancing. They banned me from being in any friend circle and those were the days of solitude for me, despite being a complete extrovert.”
An interest is seen as worthy as long as there is a prospect of monetary benefit attached to it. Naveen says, “I came out of my shell and pursued it out of interest. My parents did not realise that I wanted to seriously pursue it until I won Chennai’s Got Talent in 2019. That’s when things changed. From parents to friends who used to mock me, they now took me seriously and started supporting me.”
Similarly, for Yesu Raja, an entrepreneur, makeup artist, and social worker, convincing their parents that this field could fetch them a good income was taxing.
Their father wanted them to have a government job, and was too stubborn to let go of his judgments; this aversion stems from a notion that hair-dressing and makeup are not meant for men.
Yesu says, “I was criticised for studying makeup and social work. My parents did not talk to me for a long time, and it affected me deeply.”
There were many situations where I could not express myself, however, college brought freedom.
Barred from choosing
Balamuralikrishna R, a BPO employee, says that he has always liked singing and writing poems. However, his family warned him to set priorities, which was their way of negating his choices.
He continues to sing and pursue poetry, but says that it took time for him to reel from the trauma, “One day, my father read my poems and he wrote in the same note that he wished he was dead.”
Within a rigid time frame, men are expected to earn early, and sometimes going behind a “stable” job dampens the enthusiasm of following the heart. There may be many youngsters who grapple with these struggles from a very young age.
For Balamuralikrishna, leading a normal life itself felt like an arduous task. He says nobody labelled his hobbies as feminine, but he would hear remarks like, “If you don’t want to do what a man does, you’re a woman. I’ve never really been interested in sports.
During PT periods, I used to sit on the ground, faking an injury. They say “yen da potta madhiri moolaila ukkandhirukka?”, which means “Why are you sitting in a corner like a girl.”
He says, “I don’t know how to ride a bike. I can’t face any problems without fear. I overthink and rant about my feelings. If I couldn’t manage all my responsibilities, I am not a man.”
He says that he cannot cry in front of everyone because of the fear of being perceived as feminine. The fear of not being seen as a man drives him to be tough on the exterior.
Be it the personal choices they make to not be part of their sports period or long to join belly dance classes, make colourful dresses for dolls, hairdressing, or doing makeup, men working towards what appeals to them, has always been a subject of mockery.
As American writer Alvin Toffler says, “The illiterate of the twenty-first century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.” Unlearning stereotypes is the only way to make their journeys less difficult.