CHENNAI: For Lakshmi, every morsel of rasam rice is seasoned with a bitter truth: her place at the table. Her portion is always smaller. “Amma always served Appa first, then my brothers, and finally me. I knew which plate was mine it was always the one with the smallest portion,” she recalls. Burdened by tradition and expectations, her mother upheld this norm without question. “I hated some mornings,” Lakshmi says. “I was sent to school with nothing but watered-down buttermilk. Amma would say, ‘Why waste food in the morning when you can eat at school?’”
UNICEF highlights how “the nutrition crisis in South Asia is deeply connected to gender inequality. Malnutrition starts in the womb and is passed down through generations.”
Across generations and regions, women have been served less — not just in their lives, but on their plates, too. For many, like Lakshmi, the kitchen becomes the first battleground where patriarchy is quietly enforced. “Women are conditioned to eat leftovers, eat less, eat after men and children have finished eating, and in some cases, even eat on the very same used, and unwashed plate that their respective husbands have left behind.
These are not stereotypes; these are gender-based rules that follow the laws of casteism and patriarchy,” shares The Big Fat Bao, an illustrator. For them, these practices are far from arbitrary — they are structural and systemic that see women as subservient and secondary to men, even in matters as basic as food consumption.
A cycle of sacrifice
Priyadarshini N, an illustrator and postgradrauate student, grew up in a nuclear household where her parents worked to create an equitable environment. “In our house, there is no hierarchy. My parents have diabetes, so I tell them to eat first, and now they don’t wait for me anymore,” they say.
But outside their home, these unwritten rules take the centre stage. “At family functions, women are expected to serve the men and children before they eat. My mother and aunts sacrifice to feed everyone, even when they’ve been fasting since dawn for a puja,” they recount.
These practices, rooted in religious customs and traditions, take a toll on women’s health. “My mother’s blood sugar has dropped multiple times during such functions. She brushes it off, but it’s frustrating to observe,” Priyadarshini says.
Forgetting one’s choices
Grace Joy, a lecturer at Sai University, shares a moment from the film Laapata Ladies, where a mother admits to forgetting her own food preferences after years of catering to her husband and son. Grace says, “It’s normal to see Indian women sitting and fanning, or serving men hot rotis or dosas while the men savour it with delicious side dishes or condiments. The seating around the dining table also matters. Men sit first, followed by children, interchangeably. Women, most likely, sit in the last round.”
This isn’t just about food — it is the idea that women’s needs are never a priority. Shahu Patole’s research in the Dalit kitchens of Marathwada reminds us of the double burden borne by women, where the demands of labour and family are often compounded by the intense pressures of feeding a household. As he writes in his book, “Women had to work outside their homes as hard as men. In addition, women were also responsible for cooking, fuel, water, and children. They would always think about how the food could be made edible, in a sufficient quantity, and in a minimum amount of time just before everyone’s hunger spiked.”
This imposition to eat a certain food, abandoning one’s own food culture has far-reaching consequences. The Big Fat Bao explains, “A meat-eating woman marrying a vegetarian man often gives up critical nutrients like iron and omega-3, leading to physical and mental health issues.” Lawyer Tamilarasi Babu seconds this observation, “Most women cook what their family prefers, not what they like or need. The result? Unbalanced diets and health problems like gastritis.”
This dynamic also fosters judgment. “In conservative families, married women enjoying ice cream or chocolates is frowned upon,” shares historian Meenakshi Devaraj. She adds, “Partners often criticise each other’s food habits. Instead of embracing differences, it becomes another avenue for dominance.”
The concept of gendered food stereotypes invites scrutiny. The Big Fat Bao points out how meat is often gendered as “masculine,” with tasks such as butchering and cooking meat traditionally attributed to men. This dynamic reinforces hierarchies not only within the home but also within society at large. “Caste and patriarchy expect men from oppressor caste to be tall, fair, and muscular. Hindu men, especially, get to consume food groups of all possible nutrition. Meanwhile, Dalit-Bahujan-Adivasi and Vimukta (DBAV) women and queers put their lives on the line just to access food or water,” they say.
Resisting the rules
Though these norms remain entrenched, change is yet to be served in its most palatable form. “I think it’s case-by-case. I have had difficult conversations with my parents but I know many of my guy peers who are blissfully unaware of how their mothers and sisters struggle,” shares Priyadarshini. Modern families are increasingly recognising that food is a personal choice, not a gendered duty.
Nandini S sees progress in urban households where both men and women work, share responsibilities, and prioritise balanced diets. But, as The Big Fat Bao cautions, these shifts often overlook marginalised communities. For them, dismantling the system of patriarchy is not just a necessary precursor to change — it is foundational. “First and foremost, annihilation of caste has to happen. Along with that, patriarchy has to be abolished. Unless we dismantle these two overlapping systems of violence, we cannot even begin the discussion around food and nutrition.”
“Women’s choices in food should be as accepted as their choices in careers or education,” asserts Tamilarasi. She stresses, “Children need to learn that a woman’s hunger and preferences are as valid as anyone else’s.” Assistant professor Jomal Paul Mathew underscores the need for systemic change. He says, “Sensitising Gen-Z, the younger ones on these topics can pave the way for a positive change.” We also need to dismantle the deep-seated belief that women are inherently subservient. Food inequality is just one facet of this larger problem.
While one person is always scrubbing the edges of the plate, there is another relishing a feast. These stubborn dough-like obsolete unjust norms, must be labouriously evened out to inclusive diet.
*Name changed