Texting has gone from a monthly top-up ritual for 100 text messages to the endless scroll of blue ticks and typing bubbles on the Internet. From the Blackberry era, where BBM was highly coveted, to today’s WhatsApp chats, Instagram Direct Messages (DMs), and dating apps’ in-app messaging features, texting has become the pulse of staying connected.
In India, texting has always carried a certain cultural weight, especially when it comes to flirting. Back in the Nokia 1100 days, where love bloomed over missed calls and thumb stamina (remember pressing 4 three times to type I, 5 three times to type L, and so on?), texting was the safest way to express love without actually saying it. Now the tradition, for Gen Z and Millennials, lives on — with emojis, voice notes, and carefully crafted replies. Yet, one thing hasn’t changed for Tamil men sliding into chats. The opener is almost always the same: “Saaptiya?” (Did you eat?) or the respectful “saapteengala?”
Memes, centering around Tamil men’s apparent inability to go past the ritualistic “saaptiya?” and its follow-up “enna saapta?”, while speaking with their love interests, often flood our social media feeds. Some of them take it a step further, jokingly labelling them “saaptiyasexuals” for their undying loyalty to this one phrase. Gen Z has even made it their own by adding their slang to it, calling it the ‘Saaptiya Rizz’. Rizz, a slang in popular culture, is short for ‘charisma’ and is often used to describe a person’s ability to flirt or charm others in romantic contexts.
“Although I don’t believe that we [Tamil men] can’t flirt or go past saaptiya, I feel that asking the question eases one into a conversation,” says Akash*. V Aditya, who works as an HR in Chennai, believes that asking that question helps men be in their comfort zone because “how are you” feels too formal, and “I like you” sometimes feels illegal. “You don’t just say ‘I like you’ unless they’ve gotten close or important. To confidently say that, the other person should also have the same wavelength or understanding, right? ‘Saaptiya’ is, therefore, easiest to ask,” he says.
Jino J, a digital marketer from Chennai, believes that for men, starting a conversation about food with a potential love interest is a socially “safe” way to express care or affection, without feeling like they are breaking traditional ideas of masculinity, where men are expected to be emotionally reserved. Hence, asking “Did you eat?”, he believes, is code for showing care.
Although many women CE spoke to believe that the question does arise from a place of care, the constant beeping of phone notifications reading “saaptiya” makes them question the intention behind the text. Smruthi Mohankumar, an actor, thinks that the question is a gateway that taps into the emotional side of men, but confesses that she gets this text at least two or three times every week from random men and rarely from acquaintances who try to build conversation on her Instagram DMs. Ashna V, a fashion designer, expands further. “Personally, when it comes from someone who is not my partner, and especially when it is constantly used, I find it annoying. It feels forced and unnecessary, like a filler for the lack of real conversation,” she says.
Infinite peace, infinite questions
So what runs through women’s heads when reading the text — food, care, or curiosity? Kavitha Vishnu Vardhini, a home maker, says, “The first thing that comes to my mind when I read that is ‘ivan enna try panran?’ (What is he trying to do?).” Anitha R*, a content writer, also gets curious. “I get curious because I feel like asking that question is a socially accepted way to flirt with people. At one time, this guy I was seeing, who was also Tamil, would ask ‘saapteengala?’ ironically because we thought it was cringe and we laughed at people who flirt like that,” she adds.
Although used by people across two generations, Kavitha strongly believes that Millennials “invented” it and normalised it as a flirty text. But she says women across these two generations don’t ask this question nearly as much. While many women admitted to asking this question out of care to their partners, or repeating the question to men — ‘neenga saapteengala?’ — as a follow-up to their ‘saapteengala,’ merely out of respect, they vouch for never using it as a conversation starter or as a flirty message. “It is always different when it comes from Tamil men,” Smruthi exclaims.
Once the initial flirting phase is behind and a relationship is established, the word is perceived by women as coming from a place of genuine care, and they believe that it does more than just charm. It often softens tension as well.
In quieter moments of emotional distance or after a disagreement, this simple food check-in becomes a subtle peace offering. It’s how Tamil men reach out — without ego — and make amends, women say. “I receive it as a check-in after fights with my partner. It makes the heart feel lighter in a jiffy,” Ashna shares. And sometimes, all it takes to end a fight is a heartfelt question about dinner. Sruthi Kamakshi, a home maker, explains, “After the dirtiest of fights, this question comes up, and then my partner and I eat together. It has always managed to change the situation and mood.”
But can the word retire? Men say that is “unthinkable.” Aditya says, “Nothing has the emotion that this word carries. It’s just right! That’s how it will be.” Kamaleshwwaran, a doctor from Chennai, adds that it can’t be let go of and is ingrained in Tamil men like himself. But if one absolutely had to retire the word, Jino believes that men could resort to asking, “Did you drink enough water?” “That is the new lingo, isn’t it?” he asks, as doubt settles in.
Food and culture
When inquiring why men resort to asking ‘saaptiya’ to women, they simply point to the word’s cultural and social significance. The word echoes the deeper tradition of virundhombal — rooted in the idea that feeding someone is an act of care, warmth, and respect. The cultural reflex, therefore, men say, is shaped by generations of hosting, feeding, and nurturing. “In Tamil culture, ‘saaptiya’ replaces the common ‘Hi and Hello’. When you go to meet relatives, friends, or go back to your village, the first question that is asked is ‘saaptiya’. I think we are just reflecting what we have seen and heard,” Jino reasons. Kamaleshwwaran also believes that food is Tamil people’s “love language”. “It is what my grandparents ask each other. My parents too,” he shares and concludes that everyday affection is disguised as a simple question that somehow carries the weight of years of tradition.
*Names changed.