An editor-friend based in Chennai, who doesn’t read Tamil, asked a PR person to send her a document in English. He responded: “Oh! Keralathil ninnulla kuttiyaano? (Are you from Kerala?)”. This irked her and she expressed her discomfort with the turn the conversation was taking.
Fifteen men working at a start-up were on a monthly review call. When sales targets were being discussed, one of them referred to his colleague and said: “This guy is hitting the goals with the same enthusiasm he shows for hitting on girls.” Everyone had a good laugh, even the person the comment was made about. He expressed his dismay to a co-worker in private.
“If you take so much time to pin up your sari, wear your kajal and do up your hair, you’ll obviously come late to work. That is not what I’m paying you for,” said a woman. The domestic worker said nothing in response and got straight down to the dishes.
There are two things common to the above instances. One is that a workplace boundary is being overstepped. Two, this happens so often, so casually that we are more likely to think, “What’s the big deal?” rather than see this as an issue worth our time. The workplaces in the examples are unique—formal, semi-formal, and informal; so are the reactions from those at the receiving end of comments not warranted in a professional setting.
People respond differently depending on their place in the equation, the consequences of calling out, or simply based on whether they have the bandwidth to engage. The man at the start-up needed to laugh along because he wanted to come across as a person who can take a joke, and though inappropriate, the comment was still complimenting his work and his ‘sex game’, which is precious capital in a dude-bro workplace. The domestic worker has lived a life being spoken to in this manner, has come to live with it, and knows that she’ll be out of a job the day she speaks up for herself. The editor had little to lose and a lot of patience; in showing a person his place, how far he can go to build a ‘professional relationship’ and not wanting to make polite small talk, she is setting an example to her team of young women about drawing boundaries.
The main reason people say problematic things is because we have normalised casual offspring of sexism, racism, casteism, ableism, and other forms of discrimination. In many cases, the person passing the comment does not mean to offend—they truly believe that they are complimenting a person, being concerned, asking a friendly question, or providing comic relief. In other cases, the commenter thinks they can get away with it or know that they can because of the power dynamic that exists.
Zero-tolerance, anti-harassment, and diversity policies that are top-down and done to tick off all the boxes leave much in an overlooked grey area. No policy has been effective in helping a woman navigate this comment at work despite it being a popular cause of microaggression—“You’ve gained a lot of weight post-pregnancy”. Sensitivity training done sporadically does little to help as most are unwilling participants who’d rather be someplace else. This then leaves individuals to fend for themselves, unsupported by an organisation, union, HR department, or colleagues. The fear of a lonely battle or a lengthy conversation without foreseeable change makes it easier to shrug off a comment, fuelling the normalisation pattern.
So when a person tells you “That’s not okay,” sit with it. Try to understand why it caused discomfort. Instead of getting defensive (like the PR person did), recognise that a person is bringing you up to speed on how things work now and embrace change rather than reminiscing about ‘simpler times’ in which you could get away with it. If colleagues become friends, that is great but until they are, treat them professionally.
Don’t indulge in building families at work—you are like my brother, you are my daughter’s age, etc., doesn’t cut it anymore—if someone is family you will know. What is normalised is not always right, just like what is legal isn’t always good so if someone is calling you in, be grateful for their time and labour. Especially when you are in a position of power, encourage people to come forward with concerns and set examples through system change but first, mind your language.