A peculiar thing about patriarchy is how crafty it is. And how all encompassing, so you don’t even realise that you too with your fine, educated , independent mind were long swallowed by this animal and live… all parts of you inclusive of that perceived independence and vocal feminism in the belly of this enormous belligerent animal.
If today some of us seasoned with age and confidence manage to set some boundaries, most of us will still have memories of having been violated in some way. Not only by strangers with force. But the far tougher situations, the friendly boss, mentor, the loving cousin, the unspeakable situation of the close friend’s husband dropping us home ( with a grope on the way...) Cars are often the strategically selected safe space for the perpetrator. We may have been really young or any age. We don’t speak up.
Shame, aloneness, fear, complications, restrictions and the conditioning that speaking up will immediately mean a smaller life. In a woman’s world where everyday is a battle and supporters are few, to lose one of these ‘well wishers’ can make already large challenges feel insurmountable. And then with great intimidation the well wisher will also tell us not to ‘tell anyone’.
Years go by. Your fears have not gone away but your life is in a better place now. You are a mature woman. You have friends, a place in society, increased confidence etc . Everything has received an upgrade. And perhaps that same man still lurks. And perhaps he has got an upgrade too. Such a good friend over the years! And he hasn’t really been a repeat offender. You don’t often visit that place of original horror.
My perspective has had the privilege of hearing the stories of many women in my dual lives of designer and healer. And I see how many women have these shadowy ghosts in their pasts who continue to linger later as well. Occasionally he may refer to the incident in the past with sniggering humour but always suggesting that there had been mutual consent.
So what happens now, do we blame or live with shame. What we need to do is gently revisit. We can’t heal what we won’t feel. And there is no moving on till there is acceptance. So give some love to the vulnerable young woman that you were. Hold her hand and tell her you understand how much she suffered in silence and that you understand why she couldn’t speak up. When we accept ourselves in entirety, we also move from being victims to being the source. From here begins the beautiful upward journey of strong women!
Anupamaa Dayal
This fashion designer is about happy clothes and happy homes for happy women