In a country like India, parenting is a complex enterprise. A new book, This Book Won't Teach You Parenting: But It Will Make You a Better Parent (Penguin), by psychotherapist Riri G Trivedi and educator and parental coach Anagha Nagpal, highlights how misguided parenting leaves deep scars in children and how they can be worked out so that children can have a safe and secure childhood.
“I wanted to address the problems in two ways,” says Trivedi. “My experience of working with grown-ups suggests that most of our mental health issues, like anxiety, trauma, fear, and insecurity, have an origin, and that origin lies in the problems that we face mostly in our childhood. Secondly, I believe that nearly 95 per cent of parents do not abuse their children intentionally, but because they dont have the right tools to discipline. The main objective of the book is to tell them that they need to correct themselves in terms of behaving with their children.”
Divided into eight chapters, the book highlights critical issues that are necessary to understand not only the psychology of children but also that of parents. It does not judge parents but treats them as victims of their own childhood traumas. It also talks about parental dos and don'ts in an era that is ruled by technology.
Tech crisis
Gone are the days when children would go to playgrounds and play. Insta-Reels, gaming, and making vlogs have instead become an essential part of present-day childhood. Nagpal advises a mixed approach. “Technology is here to stay. Hence, using force on your children to stop them from using technology can have an opposite impact. Besides, it is also not possible to be with your children constantly, especially in their teens. So, I believe, a modern and decentralised approach is needed where both children and their parents can engage in conversations about using social media,” she notes.
As we live in the era of digital content, many content creators use their children’s photos or videos as part of their Instagram content and that can create major problems. “In India, people do not understand how the photos of small children can be misused on the internet,” notes Nagpal. Trivedi highlights a different point. “If you are making them act in front of the camera, they only emote and act for the camera, and so when the camera is off, they forget who they actually are.”
The breach of trust
And there are other problems. Many children face sexual harassment at an early age and the perpetrators are often relatives. When they try to talk to their parents about it, they are not addressed. Nagpal believes this leads to a major breach of trust between the two and this can lead to massive trauma. “Sexual abuse in childhood is not completely gender oriented. Many boys are also subjected to sexual harassment in their childhood. Through this book, we have tried to tell parents not to ignore a problem like this. Many of my clients told me that they never thought of sharing their traumas with their parents. Children often do not report harassment as they feel their parents would blame them instead of taking steps against the abuser. It often happens that children start hating their parents more than they hate their abuser. This book tries to prevent it,” says Trivedi.