HYDERABAD: The wedding season is a time to cherish, have fun and celebrate a new beginning in one’s life. But the seven steps to marital heaven has many hurdles that come before it and for new age couples, commitment seems to be the biggest of them.
While the general notion is that men are usually more commitment phobic than women, studies in recent times seem to indicate the opposite.
Movies are perhaps to blame for the popular notion as it’s usually the women waiting on the men to pop the question. However, in reality, a change in gender dynamics and women being more independent -- both financially and emotionally -- have kept the fairer sex from saying “I do”.
All of us do have that one ideal couple in our lives where everything seems rosy and picture perfect. But, somehow neither seems to be in a hurry to tie the knot and make it official.
Experts dismiss that the phobia of settling down is specific to one gender, though they acknowledge that women are more careful now when it comes to accepting such proposals.
Points out Sujatha Raman, a psychotherapist at KIMS hospital, “Women today are becoming more financially independent and bold. They live according to their own rules and are opening themselves up to more in terms of relationships. Marriage for women changes a lot in their life as opposed to men, so that could be one of the reasons of fearing commitment. In case of both men and women being used to freedom and financial independence, they want someone as an equal.”
The catch though she says is in the quest to find that compatible partner -- people need to get committed in the first place, leaving behind their fears.
Youngsters who are the proverbial ‘single and ready to mingle’ feel that the key to a more carefree approach in this regard is not weighing the pros and cons of being committed to another person, but sharing an understanding based on trust and respect. Those in a relationship agree as well.
“According to me, commitment phobia does not pertain to any gender, but is highly attributed to the individual’s perception of relation. I have seen many men who were not prepared to take the relationship to the next level due to multiple reasons; it’s not just women. I believe the phobia has deeper roots in one’s belief in human relations,” says Chaithanya Prasad, a 27-year-old software employee at TCS.
Agreeing with him, Aarti Nagpal, a 22-year-old post graduate says, “Commitment is just a word. Even after people commit, they end their relationship. More than anything, trust is important in a relationship.”
Dr Raman interjects that there are levels to a relationship and being committed in the real sense takes initiative. “There is a difference between being interested in a relationship and being committed in one. When you are interested in a relationship you do things only when it is convenient, but when you are committed, you accept no excuses, only results matter. That is what makes a relationship work,” she says.
While being single has it’s own allure and the mid-way point in a relationship that doesn’t require total commitment lets one enjoy best of both worlds, it isn’t a permanent solution. Madhuri Dugyala, a post graduate in psychology, expresses that every relation has various levels to it, which are only defined by the dynamics of the people involved. So the importance of commitment can only depend on how they choose to define their relationship.
Another, Phani Krishna opines, “Women to an extent are more committed than men, but if they are emotionally broken, they can be really unpredictable. It might be because of the trauma of the previous relation that they fear being committed again and it would be the man’s responsibility to build her trust.”
Ultimately, whatever your fears, it boils down to the specific person you’re interested in and choosing to go all the way or backing off in between would depend on the confidence that person inspires in you. Generalising them otherwise would be unfair and could hurt your chances at a happy relationship.