HYDERABAD: Marriage is a sensitive topic in India, as much as it is an essential conversation. Indian matchmaking has become complicated over the course of many years as it transitioned from family to brokers to online matrimonies and to complex social media-powered online portals.
Regardless, it is about to get a whole lot more interesting. Human-Computer Interaction researchers at IIIT Hyderabad have been attempting to analyse the effects of Virtual Reality (VR) on dating.
If we can learn anything from Netflix’s Indian Matchmaking, then it is that this conversation does not run far from its roots, be it in India or the USA. In the documentary, Sima Taparia, a marriage consultant, uses her skills to find suitable life partners for her clients. Her oft-repeated, “Ultimately, my efforts are meaningless if the stars are not aligned” memes have taken the internet by storm.
“Although a entertaining show that went viral, it is quite regressive in nature. However, it is interesting to see what matchmakers go through, their perspectives, and their processes to find that ideal life partner,” says Shahzeen Shivdasani, a relationship expert and the author of ‘Love Lust & Lemons’.
Vanajarao, chairman, Vanajarao Quick Marriages, finds Indian Matchmaking a great show with an insight into the matchmaking process.
She says, “The highlighting feature of the show is that marriages are between two families and not individuals. I have been emphasising this for the past 36 years. Simi is doing a tremendous job and hats off to her for being able to adhere to requirements.” Like Sima’s philosophy, Vanajarao’s motto is also, “I bring together, rest is Saikrupa”.
Unreasonable demands
Taking the age-old broker system route, Raghu, 39, has been facing hurdles in finding a suitable partner. Filled with “nonsense” queries, worries, and family tragedy, Raghu’s expedition to find a bride is not as glamorous as it was on the show. While many claim that Indian Matchmaking portrays a realistic depiction of the Indian marriage process, the process is not as smooth or nuanced.
As 30-year-old Samantha’s experience tells us, marriage is just another struggle for woman that is rooted in patriarchy.
Raghu works as an auditor, but that is not enough for many a girl’s family. He has been blocked by the fact that he is not a software engineer. Some brokers have even denied him service because of it. “Trendy setup, software job, property, bank balance, and duplex homes are some of the most desirable aspects in a husband,” he says.
Mahaprabhu Chaitanya Das of www.MarryADevotee.com mentions that men are judged “often in their ability to earn and provide, while women in their ability to be objects of display as if they were possessions.” While economic factors burden the men, ideal Indian features (fair, tall and “flexible”) become the burden for women, as if they had control over their genetics.
Samantha might be a strong-willed content professional from Hyderabad, but she still had to prove that she was a worthy candidate for the groom’s family. Unlike Raghu, Samantha decided to take the online route. Her profile was online for three years.
“The groom expected fair, homely, long hair, and no bikes. I was rejected because the men’s families did not want a ‘modern-looking girl’. My financial status and profession were also a reason for rejection,” she noted. However, Samantha’s family had their expectations as well. They preferred a Telugu boy, city-born, financially sound, who is a journalist, banker or an IT professional. Her family rejected candidates if they came from small towns, or due to their education, family, etc.
The expectations from both sides are often skewered. In Indian Matchmaking, Sima encourages the candidates to adjust their expectations to find a partner. While adjustments are important, it is usually demanded from the woman. “Some of Sima’s comments do not align with the way our generation thinks. Take Rupam’s example. She is a divorcee and Sima tells her that her options are limited and that she will have to compromise. Why?,” asks Shahzeen.
Describing her ordeal in finding a partner from online matrimony, Samantha adds, “You may have an exquisite profile listing your education, family background, financial status, profession and expectations, yet your inbox will be flooded with requests from people who are the exact opposite.” Sometimes, the consideration can take a spiritual turn as well. Mahaprabhu assists devotees of Krishna to find a person of similar tastes, preferences, interests and live a life of joy and fulfilment in service to God.
Is arranged marriage devoid of love?
What does arranged marriage say about love? Is it off the shelf? When we think about arranged marriage as the opposite of love marriages, do we consider the former being devoid of love? 36-year-old Riya would disagree. A homemaker and part-time student, she met her husband through online matrimony and fell in love as they progressed.
She says, “I tried online matrimony since boyfriends didn’t want to get married, and I wanted something serious. My husband never had a girlfriend and his brother signed him up on the website. We took over a year to get to know each other, and I recommend this process. Don’t rush into marriage; know the other person.” She has been married for five years now, settled in Minnesota, USA.
Frauds and mismatch
Samantha says, “An IT engineer from the US approached us. He claimed to be an orphan. We had not even met, and he started talking about dowry with my mother. He wanted us to buy him land and an apartment. There was no way we could run a background check. I tried looking him up on Facebook and Twitter, but found nothing. Then, it hit me. It was a fake profile.” Would she recommend online matchmaking? “Never” is her answer. “It is best to find your soul mate from the people you know — friends and family. This way you can at least know their background. On matrimony websites, the person’s profile is all you got, and there is hardly any way of verifying what he/she puts up,” adds she, who had a love marriage in 2018.
Prabha, 29, on the other hand, finds the whole online matrimony least bit interesting and calls it “utter hogwash”. Apart from fraudulent content, the online process also throws up a lot of mismatches. Prabha’s parents registered in Telugu matrimony as it seemed “ideal” to them. She says, “The site’s marketing tapped into that part of my parents’ psyche that wanted someone from their ‘tribe’ for their daughter. I am anything but a traditional Telugu girl, but because marketing is manipulative, my parents fell prey to it.” Prabha, like Samantha had a love marriage.”
Arranged marriage can be a good thing?
Shahzeen opines: “It is getting difficult to meet potential partners whose goals align with yours. If you can have someone setting up dates for you based on what you are looking for in life, it would be nice to go on dates knowing that you are both looking for similar things and see if there is a chemistry or not.” Vanajarao feels that arranged marriages are more about facilitating a beautiful relationship between a husband and wife. She adds, “Dating apps are not intended with any motive of long-term relationships.” Meanwhile, Mahaprabhu says, “We have witnessed that a healthy blend of love and arranged has a higher probability of giving joy and longevity to marriages.”
Vanajarao says, “I try to understand the family, lifestyle, and characteristic traits. If I feel that there is a need to talk to an individual and expose them to a few factors that need an opinion change, I counsel them.” Mahaprabhu mentions that matchmakers who charge a fee for their services may have to subordinate their experience for customer preferences.
“This can seriously undermine their ability to play an important role in counselling the participants, the bride and the groom, and other stakeholders.”
This is the reality of Indian marriages. Not all of us have a Sima Taparia, and so we have to wade through the jungle that is marriage in India, blindfolded.
(Some names changed to protect identity)
— Tamanna S Mehdi
tamanna@newindianexpress.com
@tamannamehdi