HYDERABAD: Psychotherapist Nancy Colier writes in Psychology Today: “In life, the person you spend the most time with is yourself. With even the smallest degree of proper self-parenting, you will start to notice that you feel more relaxed, more loved, that you are more trusting, happier, and more alive. Proper self-parenting is like watering a seed.
You are that seed and with the proper attention and care, you too will bloom,” This applies to several people who think that because of urban melancholia or that rocketing stress at the workplace or the fairytale romance turned sour causes that deep sense of emptiness within. While it’s true that several such factors can push one’s mental health down into the abyss, it’s the unacknowledged sense of abandonment deeply-seated in the psyche which attracts more such unpleasant events. “And one keeps wondering that the external factors are always responsible. It’s the internal programming which attracts jobs, partners or situations that end up in disaster or abandonment.
All relationships with people, places or situations are based on the blueprint of your unconscious. Like attracts like to repeat the cycles one’s mind is trained for. This training starts in early childhood years. Emotional neglect or emotional abuse results in a bruised psyche, but since this is how you’ve been programmed you keep attracting the similar experiences,” informs Wasim Rashid a child and adolescent therapist. That’s how many adults including those in their fifties can experience this deep hollowness and are advised to self-parent themselves i.e., become their own parents.
Heal the inner child
In the book ‘Healing Your Emotional Self’ author and psychologist Beverly Engel mentions becoming both the mother and the father to one-self; father to instil the discipline and the mother to nourish and care. In another book ‘It Wasn’t Your Fault’ she writes: ‘For many years therapists have taught their clients how to nurture their “inner child,” a successful therapeutic strategy in many ways. But teaching self-compassion goes further. It helps victims connect with their childhood suffering much more deeply.’ While it may sound strange to an adult, but “it’s the wounded psyche that you are addressing which received abuse at a very young age. The inner child within you is actually the age when the abuse started and a person’s emotional self got derailed,” adds Wasim.
It’s a long way
Many survivors of abuse are said to have benefitted from self-parenting which is a major part of inner the child healing. Shares Dr Sneha Rooh, 32, a palliative physician working for a palliative care centre in the city, “I grew up in an environment of domestic violence at home. My parents were emotionally abusive while my elder brother was sexually abusing me. My biological mother died when I was just a month old. My father married my aunt. They had their own marital differences which resulted in physical violence.
As a way to vent out her own abuse, the aunt-mother would hit my brothers. I had no way to escape. Only at the age of 18 did I realise that I was being abused.” She took a consultation from a therapist and broke the news of the sexual abuse to her parents. “But they didn’t acknowledge it and were emotionally absent. My trust was completely broken so much so that I realised that my life was a lie.” However, she didn’t give up and continued working on her healing. She shares, “I began distancing myself from the family and began focusing on myself. Inner child work has helped me much. I have been doing self-parenting for years.” She still has issues with sleep as the same is the aftereffect of the multiple forms of abuse she went through. “I am going to continue working on myself. Releasing poison from mind and body takes time,” she adds.
Self-compassion
The seld-parenting or re-parenting route has its ups and downs as it takes a survivor on an emotional roller coaster ride. Shares Kritika Kumari, 34, a life coach and survivor, “I was raised by a single parent. My mother was always busy working. at the age of 10, I had to prepare food for her and myself. She didn’t acknowledge my burns or bruises and on the contrary, would shout at me if the housework wasn’t done right. I’d get a slap if I broke a plate or complained of tiredness.”
After her death, her grandparents took her to their home but were very strict, distant and cold. “After years of healing, I realise how much I was disconnected from my own emotions and actually invited abuse and being left out in the cold. There are times when someone shouts I break into a sweat and my limbs go numb. That’s when I treat myself as if a gentle mother would treat an innocent child. There’s much more work to do, but I am slowly progressing,” she adds.
— Saima Afreen saima@newindianexpress.com @Sfreen