HYDERABAD: We ask city-based mothers of adolescents and pre-teens to share their own ‘coming-of-age’ experiences and how they resonate with the experiences of their children who are learning to navigate through complex emotions and changes in their journey to adulthood
Coming of age, embracing adulthood is a bit like trying to read a map in a different language–the signs and symbols that should be guiding them seem to be incomprehensible. The experience can be baffling, if not outrightly overwhelming. Without the right support and companionship, young adults can find themselves at a loss. Yet, most of the stories we know of – Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird or Mark Twain’s Adventures of Tom Sawyer or our good old Dickensian novels, inform us of a kind of resilience that works as a catalyst in helping adolescents become adults.
We asked a few mothers of teenagers and pre-teens to share their personal experiences of growing up and how they resonate with the experiences of their children. Mothers often find themselves caught up in a deluge of emotions and negotiations, sometimes their own, sometimes their kids’.
The content creator and editor Namrata Sadhvani says, “My mother often used a very stereotypical statement for me, even in the most stressful situations during my adolescence: Jab tum maa banogi tab tumhe pata chalega, which translates to, ‘when you become a mother, you will understand.’ I see those words coming true right in front of my eyes now when I see my 10-year-old twins bringing me to the verge of using the same lines for them too. I can visualise the troubles I gave my parents while growing up and now as a mother, I’m facing them too.”
Namrata sheds light on that longing all mothers have to spend as much time with their kids as they can, while the latter are spreading their wings and learning to fly away. “My mother would often long for my company, to have conversations with me over chai - to feel that special bond that mothers and daughters share. But I was always too ‘busy’ - school, friends, birthday parties, music, books and all the other things that kept me at a distance from her, because they seemed important to me at that time. She never complained, but always looked a little disappointed when I came up with a myriad of excuses,” she says, adding that she has seen life coming full circle for her as she finds herself in the same situation. “Now, I wish I had a closer relationship with her as I feel the same with my kids– they are just too busy with their social circle, sports, fitness and so much more. I guess this is a cycle all adolescent kids and their parents go through!” she says.
The mother-daughter bond is special and yet, delicate. The endless negotiations caused by generation gaps can sometimes take both away from each other, before some things bring them together. Gowlikar Archana, senior member, Asia Process, Genpact, has an 11-year-old daughter going through complex changes brought in by puberty and her concerns about are just beginning to take a beastly shape. “I would send her to birthday parties unattended earlier but now I am a little worried. I don’t stop her but during puberty, children undergo several body changes, have a tide of emotions coming in and are in the crucial stage where they develop ideas about themselves which change rapidly,” she says.
Having grown up in a family where discipline was supreme, Archana says not listening to my parents was not an option while she was growing up. “There was a very different relationship between I and my parents than what I have now with my daughter. I would understand and accept my parents’ advice immediately but now with the present generation, with all the gadgets and complex lifestyle, life has become more frustrating,” she adds.
While reconciling with their own experiences and their kids’ is a continuous struggle, aligning with their perceptions is also not difficult. “Recognising the shared struggles enables me as a mother to approach my son’s experiences with empathy and understanding. I am mindful not to impose certain expectations on my son that were levied upon me growing up. Instead, I focus on being a source of encouragement, helping him find his passions and strengths,” says Radhika C, Clinical development & operations professional, who has a 16-year-old son.
She often finds herself in a “battle with his unruly locks” or turning up her fashion police radar when any faux pas are committed. “From eccentric colour combinations to wearing socks with crocs, insisting on wearing joggers even to festival family gatherings– it all remains an ongoing saga. Nonetheless, I learned to embrace his unique style and cherish the memories of him confidently walking out the door wearing what he is most comfortable in,” she says.
In conclusion, Radhika says that her son’s teenage chronicles have taught her that parenthood is about cherishing every moment, no matter how awkward they may be, as these moments are like footprints in the sand.