I recently joined a gym that is clearly more focused on sales than on fitness. They gave me a great offer: Rs 5,000 for four months. I thought I found gold and joined immediately. The first two weeks were normal. I worked out, stretched, questioned my life choices… all the usual things.
Then I realised the 5k offer was a trap only I fell for. A few days later they launched a new scheme: Rs 6,000 for three months for couples. From that day, my gym started feeling less like a gym and more like someone else’s house.
The first couple I saw looked like they were here to shoot a fitness commercial.They worked out in sync, did partner squats, matched each other’s rhythm. Even the guy with the six-pack in the corner was staring at them wondering why he is still single. Meanwhile, the man in the couple had a small beer belly and still looked happier. The six-pack guy has now stopped working on his abs and started working on his personality.
Then came another couple, who looked like they bought the gym membership the way people buy roses at traffic signals. Impulsive, zero planning. The rose dies in a day but the gym membership lives on for months, so now the gym has become their dating spot. They cycle next to each other every day. Out of the three cycles, two are permanently taken by their love story. The person on the third cycle automatically becomes the third wheel. When they fight, it feels like two bikers arguing in traffic. I’ve stopped cycling completely. I now pretend I only came to stretch.
The real shock came when a married couple arrived with their kids. Babysitters clearly don’t have ‘couple discount’ offers, so the kids were now part of the gym package. Every day before I step on the treadmill, I first have to explain to a child that this is not a slide. When the kid doesn’t move, I stare at the parents like, ‘Please save me.’ They immediately stop their workout and tell their kid, “Beta, uncle wants to run or else he won’t get married.” Great. Random children are now calling me uncle, and also announcing that I’m failing at getting married. Perfect boost to my confidence.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the gym owner dropped the couple offer even more. Now the whole gym is filled with couples. I’m the only bachelor left. Everywhere I look, people are lifting weights and lifting each other’s moods.
To keep the couples happy, my instructor also changed the playlist to romantic songs. Now I do squats to Chuttamalle. The beat doesn’t match my workout style at all. But if you imagine Jr NTR losing weight instead of Janhvi Kapoor dancing, you somehow manage to do 20 more squats.
Still, I go every day. I don’t know if watching these couples makes me want to get fit and find someone someday. Or if watching them fight motivates me to stay single and focus on my body. When I see their kids using dumbbells like toy cars, I remember exactly why I don’t want children right now.
Maybe that’s the real purpose of this gym. It is giving me clarity more than muscle.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)