Why India needs a Hyderabadi CEO!

Before I start my argument with imaginary points, here is an absolutely true story foreshadowing Hyderabadi management.
IMAGE USED FOR REPRESENTATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
IMAGE USED FOR REPRESENTATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
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2 min read

HYDERABAD: Like a punctual quarterly report, once every three months, a random CEO with high BP, low IQ, and a mid approach to life will ask us to melt our bone marrow so that his Excel sheet can show a fancy number. His chamchas will replace these words with the Hanuman Chalisa, while others who hate his guts will troll him with memes. It’s not like we’ve not had chill CEOs, but Ratan Tata passed away, and Vijay Mallya ran away. This is why I think India needs a pakka Hyderabadi CEO to show them how it’s done.

Before I start my argument with imaginary points, here is an absolutely true story foreshadowing Hyderabadi management.

I once worked at a certain e-commerce company — let’s call it Nile.com — under a manager, Mr Nawab bhai from Talab Katta. One day, I called him to ask for leave.

Me: Nawab bhai, I need a leave today.

Nawab bhai: Arrey bhai, even I want a leave!

Me: Eh?

Nawab bhai: Do one thing — go to the office, see if the Senior Manager is there. If he’s not there, bole toh apan dono ko chutti aaj.

I worked with Nawab bhai for five years and had not been to therapy even once. Only after I quit did I have to see a therapist — just to help me move on from an angel of a manager like Nawab bhai.

Here’s how a company will run with a Hyderabadi CEO:

Customer obsession

A Hyderabadi CEO will also have to meet targets, so he’ll sure be obsessed with the customer. But he won’t be too worried because he knows he’ll treat the customer like royalty and leave them satisfied — not necessarily with the product but with biryani after the meeting. Once you’ve had biryani, you won’t have the stomach to push anyone against deadlines. One usually prefers lying dead.

Ownership

Great leaders take responsibility for their work and act as if they own the business. A Hyderabadi like me will think, “If I already own the business, then tension kaiko, mama?”

Discipline and punctuality

LOL. (Dear editor, increase font size to maximum)

Work culture

Imagine an office where everyone is extending deadlines by 5 minutes, delivering after 2 days, and yet nobody is getting fired. Team meetings won’t begin until chai arrives, and instead of making a 5-slide PPT explaining why sales were so low, you can just send a baigan emoji, and it is understood immediately.

Corporate lingo

With a Hyderabadi CEO, corporate jargon will get a serious upgrade:

EOD: End of Dalcha

ASAP: As Soon as Procrastinable

Think outside the box: Means we are bored of biryani. Let’s have some mandi.

Lite lelo will become a tag to mark unrealistic tasks and targets.

To me, such an office looks quite happy. Happy companies may or may not help India’s GDP, but they will surely increase the happiness index. Which is needed the most!

Sandesh Johnny

@johnnykasandesh

(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)

(The writer’s views are his own)

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