When it comes to controversies of the cake, people involved are judged heavily. If you cut a cake on the Tank Bund you’re classless. But if you’re too classy, like Marie Antoinette, and say ‘Let them eat cake’, you’re heartless and later, lifeless. If you are Kalpika Ganesh and throw a cake, you’re mannerless according to a comment from @teluguactorfan884, who has 3 followers and is blocked by 200 women for asking them out via display of private parts.
As an aspiring Übermensch, I’m not allowed to judge, but I can allow myself to think what Kalpika and friends were thinking. Let’s see if my delusion matches the truth.
Kalpika’s public statement: They insulted me, mocked my differently-abled friend, and locked us inside the pub while 20 people shouted at us. I called the police, but even they treated me like a criminal. This wasn’t about a free cake, it was about being humiliated, disrespected, and mentally violated for no reason.
Kalpika to restaurant: I have enough cake for the month, but you guys hurt my ego, so just bear with me while I get into my zone.
Kalpika’s inner voice: I’m cute, I’ll get away. Been there, done that.
Kalpika to her friend: Please don’t move much or else they’ll think I’m lying.
Kalpika to police: It was my birthday and I urgently needed to put some cake on my face. It’s my birthright.
Now, let’s see what Prism had to say:
Prism to Kalpika: Outside food is not allowed. Parking at owner’s risk. Management is not responsible for loss or theft of personal belongings.
Prism to staff: Treat everyone equally.
Prism to police: Customer eat food, pay no bill, and also break glass. Need justice.
Prism’s inner voice: We are doing better. This case is so much better than exotic animal case or that drug raid. This one is literally a cakewalk.
Now, the media:
Media to media: Yo! War is going on, people from marginal sectors are being abused daily and there are no jobs in the country, but let’s do a 30-min special on a pub fight.
Media to Kalpika: Happy Birthday Kalpika! We don’t want a piece of cake, but we want a piece of you. Imagine if your live video went so viral, your live coverage will get me TRP and a promotion.
Public to self: I’m better.
Public in comments section: Oh please, maybe she did walk in expecting some celebrity treatment and got triggered over not getting a free cake, but at the same time, if what she’s saying is true, that they mocked her disabled friend, locked them inside, and ganged up on her, then that’s seriously messed up too; it’s not just black and white.
Public to Kalpika: Ma’am, selfie?
Police to pub: First come, first serve, so we’ll take your case and here are sections BNS 351(2), 352, and 324(4). And let the world know we are doing our job.
Police to police: Just another case, but with lots of views on Instagram — so for this one, you don’t need a gun, you need a face wash. We also need to look good on Insta.
Police to Kalpika: Case is registered, come to papa. Basic misconduct case. I wish it was drugs, I could have gotten more Insta followers.
Me to myself: Don’t do this when you become famous.
Me to public: Cut cake on Tank Bund from now on. I won’t judge you guys anymore.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)