I was introduced to dating apps in 2017, and my first choice for a place was Heart Cup Coffee Jubilee Hills. Things have gone topsy-turvy like any relationship, and here I am in 2025 asking someone out on a date. And which place did I choose? Heart Cup Coffee Jubilee Hills.
Why? There was a comedy club there, and I was a regular. Is it a lucky venue? No. The club shut down, and every relationship that blossomed in that venue ended. It’s not lucky for me, but it’s consistent.
Have I not grown as a person? Have I not been to other places? All false. The reason for my uncanny repetition is that Hyderabad is a difficult place to take a date. Even hanging out with a woman is totally limited to cafés or malls.
All other places are just landmines when you’re with a woman.
Let’s say I plan the best possible date my brain can imagine. And my brain mostly binge-watches TV series. In those shows, the date-asker usually takes their date to a place of natural beauty, like a lake or beach.
The closest beach to Hyderabad is 400 km away in Chirala. The only kind of dates you go there for are cyclone dates — in case you want to storm out of the relationship.
Yeah, a long drive is another option. But where do I drive to?
Most people go around the ORR and take a meal break at the airport. Driving is a job. Four limbs and part of your brain are constantly involved.
Sure, I can slow it down... only to make the girl wonder, ‘What a slow driver. Maybe he isn’t as cool as his Tinder bio says’. And if you drive fast, you might just die trying to impress her by overspeeding your Alto on a 120 kmph lane.
After all that focus on the drive and the woman, you finally reach the airport and see the sign that says ‘Departure’ — and instead of a directional sign, what if she thinks it’s a direction from above?
Trust me, when you’re walking on thin ice, even one word can sink you.
Our city does have a lake — Tank Bund — and a sunset, a bench, and a walk would totally be ideal for a date. But why take a bath, smell nice, and borrow that expensive perfume from your roommate, just to go to Tank Bund and erase the idea that nice smell even exists in this world?
Smell registers directly into your memory. Let’s say things go well, and a few years later your kid asks, ‘Tell us how you met Mom?’ — and the first thing that hits you is the foul smell of Tank Bund. You cannot build your marriage on this.
Pocharam Lake? More like ‘Poach aram se lake’. It’s shady and scary. If that’s your idea of a date, then just take her to Prasads; it’s nearer and offers more.
Ramoji Film City? If Kajol, who wasn’t scared of murdering three people in Gupt, is scared of Ramoji, why should future Mrs Sandesh be in such a place? Begumpet haunted house is better. At least it has good pani puri.
Last option: historical places. I would like to take a woman to Falaknuma Palace. But that needs to be special, and I also need a Netflix special to afford a place where Salman bhai’s sister was married.
The rest all have equally good history, but ambience is poor.
Golconda has bats. Charminar has humans. Chowmahalla Palace actually has a lot of rooms, but when it comes to love, only the Nizam is allowed inside, not us. Salar Jung? Who are you on a date with... your history teacher?
Biryani places kill for raita, and posh new cool places have celebs, snakes, and raids, creating a whole new raita of their own.
Which is why — after being born in this city 34 years ago, living in it for 16 years, and writing about it for nine years — I chose the very same place it all began, will probably order the same pizza, but hopefully tell a funnier story.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)