The bottom line of my column says this comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad. Hence, I’ve been on a learning spree, gathering stories to make them funny, and in the process, I ended up reading about the Nizams.
The Nizams were rich. So rich that one of them thought he had enough money to buy Goa — not a ticket to Goa, but the entire state. However, like all Goa plans, this one got cancelled too.
But I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to live like a Nizam for a day. Then reality hit me — I’ve been cancelling my Goa plans for years, and that alone should be enough to shatter any illusion of imagining myself as a Nizam, even for five minutes. However, as I read more, I realised that if you remove the old ancestral money — earned from taxing people harder than Nirmala aunty — there are a few ways everyone can still live like a Nizam without spending a paisa. Because, apparently, even while being the richest man in the world, he didn’t either.
Here’s how you can live like the Nizam on a zero budget for a day:
Don’t drive the Rolls-Royce
Every magazine listicle will tell you the Nizam owned a fleet of Rolls-Royce cars. A random Instagram post will claim he used them to sweep the roads (a story also credited to the Maharaja of Patiala, so someone is lying). But here’s the truth — the Rolls-Royce at Chowmahalla Palace has reportedly been driven for less than 300 kilometres! The Nizam preferred a basic car, the Maruti Alto equivalent of his time. So, if you want to live like him, print a poster of a Rolls-Royce, stick it on your wall, stare at it lovingly (as the Nizam did), and book an Uber to Charminar. While you’re at it, play ‘I Don’t Need Dollar Bills to Have Fun Tonight’ because that’s exactly what the Nizam did.
Smoke Charminar cigarettes (If you dare)
The Nizam smoked Charminar cigarettes to promote local products. I thought, ‘Hey! That’s affordable. I can get a cheap taste of royal life.’ One drag later, I lost all respect for him. Yuck! Smoking is injurious to health, but Charminar cigarettes feel like they were made from the ashes of other cigarettes. If I had the power, just like the Charminar Bank, I’d have Charminar cigarettes shut down forever too.
The one biscuit rule
This is harder than smoking Charminar cigarettes. One of the Nizams was so frugal that he offered guests only one biscuit. I’ve met some real misers in my life, but after reading this, I forgave all of them. Even a beggar in Hyderabad will offer you two biscuits if you have chai with him. But the richest man in the world? One biscuit.
The bachelor pad aesthetic
If you’ve ever entered a bachelor’s room in Hyderabad, you know the drill — one single-angle bed, no furniture, no lighting, no decor. We judge them for their lack of hygiene, but fun fact: this is exactly how the Nizam lived. His personal chambers were sparsely furnished, and his bedroom was reportedly cleaned only once a year. If you’ve cleaned your room twice in a year, congratulations! You have better hygiene standards than the Nizam.
Repeat outfits until they have holes
If your friends make fun of you for wearing the same clothes multiple times, just tell them, ‘I’m following the Nizam’s lifestyle.’ Apparently, he wore the same clothes until they had holes in them. The richest man in the world was basically every engineering student before placement season.
If that’s not enough, you can also try having a total disregard for rules, scoring some cheap opium, and fighting with your siblings over property. Then, the only difference between you and the Nizams will be just money.
Sandesh Johnny
@johnnykasandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)