It’s IPL time — is what my mind will tell itself. For the next month, I don’t have to waste time deciding which Netflix series to watch. No more borrowing my sister’s password, calling my cousin to log out of one device so I can finally log in, asking ChatGPT for the top series, watching it for five minutes, and then just rewatching Friends and complaining that there’s nothing good to watch. Now, I know I can just join the IPL ‘jagran’ every evening — and that’s a summer miracle for me.
Now that my schedule is set, I just need to manage my expectations from each team. Otherwise, after two weeks of IPL, I’ll be back to cribbing — ‘IPL is not fun anymore’, ‘It’s all fixed’, “I miss Lalit Modi’.
SRH
We have only one expectation: WIN THE TITLE. Win every match. Bat like you’re punishing a criminal in medieval times and bowl like you’re Arjun and the wicket is the fish’s eye. Just give us maximum dopamine hits every time — Hyderabad police are strict on substances, and you are our only hope.
RCB
See, Virat Kohli played well in the Champions Trophy — no pressure on him. He’s the GOAT, and that’s what will be written either sarcastically or through worship, depending on the score. The rest of RCB? Heavily memed as usual — we’ve been trolling them for 18 years. At this point, we’ve done a B.Com and three PhDs in making RCB jokes. Even a jellyfish will develop a funny bone after watching RCB bowl.
CSK
CSK is a good team (is what they told the judge in 2016). Last year, we enjoyed Dhoni Darshan and bhajans, but Thala for every season? Diminishing marginal utility might kick in eventually. But what I’d love to learn from CSK fans is the mathematical formula of how to add, subtract, and divide any number and still end up with 7. There’s definitely a Nobel Prize in mathematics waiting there.
MI
When we play MI, we’re not playing MI — we’re playing against the world’s richest man. We are trying to take down a giant called Ambani. We will fight in Wankhede, we will fight in Uppal, we will hate you in the comments section, and we will steal your victories — so that slightly-less-poor Kavya Maran can feel like an orange Robin Hood. (Political pun not intended)
DC, RR
You do you, pals. We love you — especially when we’re not in form. One needs those easy wins to feel like they’ve still got it. And by chance, if we end up at the bottom of the table, we know you’ll always be there for us — waiting with minus net run rate and some mathematical drama for the playoff race.
KXIP
Win or lose, we all know the real highlight will be Preity Zinta’s reaction cam. We had Kal Ho Na Ho re-release this year — but let’s be real, we could all use more Preity Zinta on our screens. Your job, KXIP, is simple — just keep her safe and sound. Somebody will win the trophy; don’t worry about that.
GT and Lucknow
We are seniors — we expect some respect. But we know we won’t get it. All we want is that when we bully you with 250+ scores, you don’t complain. And when you win against us, just know that’s us encouraging young teams.
Well, there it goes. My schedule is clear — now my mind is too.
Sandesh Johnny
@johnnykasandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)