My morning routine currently involves walking and meditation at a nearby park. Meditation is supposed to be beneficial, but for me, it’s a curse in disguise. It has made me more aware, and with awareness comes observation. And with observation? Judgement.
After just five minutes of deep breathing, I’ve realised something — people don’t just walk anymore, they perform. Nobody simply moves from Point A to Point B to start their day. I’ve identified five distinct species of walkers:
The brisk walker
Are you walking? Are you running? Pick a struggle. This hybrid model of movement confuses me. Brisk walking is apparently a sport — if you’re really good, you can even win medals. But to an observer, it just looks like a duck fleeing for its life.
There’s a start, a speed-up, and just when you think they’re about to break into a sprint — they slow down. Why? To avoid being mistaken for a runner, I guess. It’s like driving a car in third gear forever. Sure, it has health benefits, it did make me laugh. Their arms swing at 8 kmph while their legs struggle at 2 kmph — yet they have no ducks to give. Respect.
The reverse gear
Just when I was trying to suppress my judgement, I saw them — people walking backward. This time, I didn’t judge. I just followed them.
It seemed difficult, so I assumed it must have some benefits...but after bumping into a sweaty uncle’s potbelly, denting my back against a tree, and nearly spraining my neck (because I don’t have a rear view mirror in front of my head), also turns out, it burns the same calories as forward walking.
Why does anyone do this? It’s not even a sport like the first one. Turns out, some just want to look unique. The ‘I walk backward, so I’m better than you’ look. But let’s be honest — apart from cars, nothing else walks backward. Just a fact.
The boss walker
My meditation app tells me to ‘let go of tension’. But how do I do that when this guy is walking next to me, yelling at his employees at 7 am?
His morning routine includes issuing threats, giving work orders, and possibly hiring and firing people — while on loudspeaker. I wonder what his evening walks are like. Direct murder?
At first, I was annoyed. Then, I started listening carefully. Not for wisdom, but in case he accidentally reveals where his cash locker is. A home gym isn’t going to buy itself.
The ‘60s gang’
A bunch of old-timers walk together, in perfect sync, gossiping, laughing, and looking healthier than me. They have more friends than I do, they walk faster than I do, and they’re having more fun.
It makes me wonder — was their friendship formed over decades of shared experiences? Or was it just one guy saying, ‘Bro, let’s walk in the morning’ and 30 years later, they’re still doing it?
Honestly, it’s inspiring. Their morning walks don’t just keep their friendship alive; they keep them alive.
The ‘Well, I have to walk’ guy
This guy is my spirit animal. He walks, but only because he has to. His mind and body are at war. His legs move forward, but his brain is screaming, ‘Let’s just go eat a bonda at the Udupi café.’
Every time he passes a park bench, he considers napping. Every round, he debates — is this the last one? Should I push for one more? No smile, no enthusiasm, just pure obligation. But he still walks, because deep down, he knows it’s the right thing to do. Also, let’s be honest — it’s the easiest, most doable, and most beneficial activity in the world.
Sandesh Johnny
@johnnykasandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)