Every now and then I keep reading the news that Hyderabad Metro is losing money and I’m always like they paid no? Apparently that is not enough.
If Metro security ever asked me ‘Business or pleasure?’ I’d reply ‘Pleasure, sir’. Because what else do you call gliding from Miyapur to Malakpet in a clean, air-conditioned coach, skipping Ameerpet, Punjagutta, and Lakdikapul — without hearing a single honk or smelling anything fried?
I paid just Rs45. No traffic, no road rage, no two-wheeler cutting me off like it’s a video game. For all this, I feel like I should’ve paid Rs200. But sadly, the QR code on the ticket doesn’t accept tips.
Since I can’t tip the Metro, I thought I’d offer it some tips instead — on how to make money.
‘A developed country is not where the poor have cars, but where the rich use public transport’. Let’s start here: make one luxury Metro coach — something that feels like a Park Hyatt on rails. Leather seats, warm lighting, a lounge, maybe even a quiet zone for Zoom calls. A proper ‘premium’ coach that the rich can use when they want to skip traffic but not comfort. Why would someone with a BMW take the Metro, you ask? Simple. A BMW can’t move at 7 pm on Road No 36. And if someone is high, it’s a lot safer to say ‘one more ticket’ than ‘one more round’.
Let’s also introduce what I call the ‘Behaviour Tax’. The Metro is currently too polite. There are repeated announcements asking people to not cross the yellow line, and a guy with a mic who personally shames violators in three languages — and still, we cross it like it’s a suggestion, not a rule. Time to start fining.
People who rush in before others get off — fine them. That one guy playing Arnab Goswami at full volume on his phone? Fine him twice and make him purchase headphones on the spot. The Metro will be profitable, and co-passengers will finally travel in peace.
We need more sponsors. So far, only a couple of stations have sponsors — SBI Begumpet, Synchrony Raidurg and so on. We need to IPL the entire Metro. Every surface is up for grabs: the escalator brought to you by Mansarovar Heights. The lift, by Dr Reddy’s. Seats sponsored by Bantia Furniture. Even the security guards could wear jerseys with 17 logos — like they just walked out of a cricket match. And if someone is annoyed with too many ads, offer them a Metro Premium Pass — a monthly plan that removes ads.
But here’s what hit me while writing this: maybe the Metro doesn’t have to make money. It’s a government service — not a startup pitching on Shark Tank. It just needs to do what it already does beautifully: run clean, fast, and safe.
What I’m scared of is the slow, silent Indian way of giving up on nice things. My only worry is that if losses pile up, people will stop caring. And slowly, the Metro might end up like RTC — neglected, avoided, and used only when the CM announces a free scheme.
All I ask is: please, don’t let the Hyderabad Metro become the Hyderabad MMTS. That’s not public transport — that’s public nostalgia.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)