This year is gonna be colder than last because of La Niña. La Niña means ‘girl child’, a term used for a natural ocean–atmosphere cycle in the Pacific Ocean that somehow makes someone in Punjagutta say, ‘Cooling nakko’. Hyderabadi winter doesn’t get very cold, but there will be a couple of days when you’ll wonder — is that a dustbin or a real penguin, and are we in Antarctica?
The winter in Hyderabad is like that guest you’d love to stay longer but won’t. Yet you still buy things to impress the guest and later wonder, ‘What is a pair of gloves doing next to my tie in the rarely-used section?’ Even before the Telangana weatherman tells you anything, the winter collection arrives to confuse you between needs and wants.
I was at a mall and a brand was trying to sell jackets with extra fur ‘to protect you from harsh temperatures of 4–10 degrees’. Useful, if you lived in Lanco Mountains, not Lanco Hills. You don’t have to pretend you’re dressed like an Eskimo going to a Halloween party. When buying a jacket, remember — you need it to keep you warm from 9 pm to 2 am, and from 10 am to 5 pm you just need it to show off you’re cool. The ideal jacket is one that Bob Dylan wears, or the one Bachchan Sahab wears in Sholay. The penguin is not real.
At home, all year we wear shorts, and in winter, the hair on our legs stands upright like soldiers waiting for their commander. We wear socks up to our knees, leaving a patch to suffer in the cold, and end up looking like football players who lost their spikes. You might be rubbing your thighs for heat, but your neighbour might see this as cat-calling. Just wear pants. Winters are meant to be lazy, not sleazy.
It’s winter — you’ll catch a cold, cough, and be sick in bed. Doctors tell you to drink warm water, but it’s winter — your body freezes to the point of immobility. So instead of going to the kitchen and getting hot water, you just drink cold water and show up to work because you only get two sick leaves — and then make a couple more colleagues sick. Good plan if you want to reduce the profits of Q4. But if you get a kettle, you can have warm water in your bedroom, maybe not get sick, and actually use your sick leaves to lie in bed and binge anime.
Winter is the worst time to order food online. That fiery wood-fired pizza, when finally delivered, feels like wood. Your soup turns into a cocktail. So eat as soon as the food is cooked — like someone just returned from a land of famine. Don’t say, ‘I’ll finish my call and eat’. Don’t keep the plate and scroll for a show while your food is losing its TRP. Also, if you get snacky, try chikki instead of warming your hands on exhaust pipes.
Winter is the only season when many English songs finally make sense — You Are My Sunshine, Sunshine on My Shoulders by John Denver, Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers, even Suraj Ki Baahon Mein from ZNMD. From 7.30 am to 9 am, the sun is actually enjoyable; you finally understand what the lyricists were talking about. These songs, which sound like heat warnings in summer, finally make sense.
This winter, be the ant, not the grasshopper. And if you don’t know the story, you’ll find out on your next sick leave.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)
