Humans stand upright, which is why we are susceptible to back pain. Animals have pain too, but it’s mostly from being cut, bitten, or being hugged too tightly by humans.
We stood upright technically to get a better taste of life. And in pursuit of that pleasure, we received back pain as a return gift from nature.
As time passed, more parties joined in and started giving us back pain.
Let’s start with blaming the government.
My friend and mentor Navin, who was once a journalist, had written about potholes seven years ago. When I asked him for reference, he said his senior wrote the same article. Today I saw another journalist write the same piece. Which means only the topic of potholes is covered, the potholes, never.
Roads have been the primary cause of pain since contracts are passed around like friends passing joints. Our back pain is caused by a game called ‘Which old buddy of the government will get the contract this year?’ The Romans made roads and rode horses on them, yet there is no mention of back pain in Marcus Aurelius’ books. Even Julius Caesar or the 13 people who killed him didn’t have a single slipped disc, as per Shakespeare. Which proves roads can exist without back pain, just not for us.
Now let’s say you are smart, you learn from history, and you are lucky enough to have work from home. Great, you avoided potholes. But you cannot avoid back pain. Because when you work from home, you sit on the bed, the floor, your favourite tree, and sometimes on your watchman’s head. And lo, you’ve got back pain.
So you buy a good chair. Not just any chair, a chair with lumbar support, massage rollers, and in-built Bluetooth speakers. Now the chair looks better than the rest of your room. So you buy a matching table, then a recliner, and eventually a new mattress because Instagram kept showing you reels of ‘10 hacks for a pain-free spine’. Congratulations, your back is fine, for now. But when you get your credit card bill for the same, you’re stressed again.
When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol and adrenaline. This tightens your muscles, especially in the lower back. Your chair can save you from external pain, but stress puts you in a wheelchair you can’t stand up from. To fix it, you must get off the chair, sit on the floor, and do yoga. Or at least pray to God.
But what if God hates you? I mean, look at this: God blessed your friend with a child, another friend with a promotion, and another friend with a visa to Finland. Sure, he had a bit of back pain on the plane, but now he’s walking around Helsinki with zero potholes. And you? God gave you back pain. Were you a bad human in a past life? Is this a test of faith? Should you be giving more donations?
Fine. Let’s say you are an atheist, a science guy. You decide to avoid back pain through exercise. Good move. But then one day, you forget to warm up. You make one extra stretch while playing badminton and boom — back pain again. And in Hyderabad, warm-up means eating shawarma before the match, so obviously you’re doomed.
Which is why I urge the Quote-Makers’ Society to update their famous line. You cannot avoid three things in life: death, taxes, and back pain.
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer’s views are his own)