Actor Lenaa dons a new ‘role’ in life as a writer, or rather a spiritual guide, with ‘The Autobiography of God’. In a freewheeling chat, she speaks about magic mushrooms, spirituality, Mohanlal, and the ‘power’ of Bharat
Let’s start with this new avatar of yours — as a writer. Your book sums up your spiritual journey...
Yeah, I have reached a stage where I don’t feel like a person, I don’t identify with Lenaa anymore. In psychology, this would be called a disorder, some identity disorder. In spirituality, I think this is a good place to be, where I am just purpose-driven right now. It’s like I’m living for this particular movement, spreading awareness that will live beyond me.
And I think, the books that I write, the films that I make will all be infotainment. I believe they have to be entertaining. Even my book is not a bookish one. I have tried to make it as infotaining as possible, but it is out and out spirituality. It’s five practical steps towards self-realisation.
Have you reached the stage that they call sat-chit-ananda?
I arrived in that state on July 14, 2023. That is, 19 years after my first ‘aha’ moment of self-realisation. My book begins with my ‘aha’ moment in 2004. However, I started writing this book in 2020. I would call these three years a turbo-charged spiritual journey. But all this has clarity in retrospect; when it was happening, it was too fast.
Everything (maya or illusion) seems so real as long as you’re in the mind realm. Only by going beyond the mind can you even touch spirituality. This book is to prepare others to jump out of the mind realm.
You begin the book with heavy philosophical questions...
All of us say ‘my body’. Who is claiming ownership of that body? One might say, ‘I am’. Now, the question is what is that ‘I’? If we don’t have an answer to this basic question, is it any surprise that we have anxiety, stress and depression?
It’s like we are Jason Bourne in Bourne Identity. You don’t know who you are. And this is what Raman Maharshi used to ask everybody who visited him. That question – ‘Who Am I?’ – became his core teaching.
What spurred your spiritual quest?
My moment of enlightenment happened on September 3, 2004. This can happen to you, anywhere, anytime. You could be sitting and relaxing, meditating, having a near-death experience, or doing some psychedelic. It took me 19 years to put this ‘I’ into this format [as in the book].
It’s simple. We are all life. And ‘I’ is one – life.
What happened in 2004?
In the very first chapter of the book, I speak about a moment when I had mushrooms in Kodaikanal. So I ate mushrooms – psychedelic mushrooms. I was 23 then, and just married. One day my husband and his friends decided to go to Kodaikanal to try mushrooms, and I joined them. I was exploring life.
It is common to see people experimenting with such things now. But 20 years ago, it was very rare. Now if you look at recent studies and TEDx talks, you can see these psychedelics are being studied and used to make mental health medications. Some clinical studies say, unlike allopathic medicines, these create lasting changes. This is plant medicine. We need to use plant medicine correctly – not recreationally. Many are abusing psychedelics out of ignorance.
I was already a clinical psychologist when I experimented. The word psychedelic basically means ‘soul revealing’. These are very divine tools that grow in nature. My self-realisation moment, however, didn’t happen because I used some substance, but because I meditated on top of it. I knew they were soul-revealing or mind-expanding substances. It was a clinical trial that I did on myself.
Could you please explain how you brought a balance between your career and personal life? You have been open about your mental health, and taking psychiatric drugs for years…
Anxiety, stress, depression… and becoming a slave of psychiatric drugs. This has become a common affair these days. Once you start taking psychiatric drugs, you can’t stop it because you will have withdrawal symptoms. I was once someone who took these medicines for years due to my family’s concerns. When I started viewing things differently and began sharing that with my family, they thought I was having some mental issues. So they took me to a psychiatrist. I continued taking medicines, as I could not afford to sustain my career with the withdrawal symptoms. I was active on screen for the last 20 years. Withdrawal symptoms include lack of sleep, mood swings, irritability, and panic attacks. All of these could disrupt my profession. So I continued taking emotion inhibitor medicines, and worked against them the whole time as my profession demanded emoting!
Now, it’s been six years since I stopped the medications. I stopped taking them gradually. I was my own psychologist during that period. I would like to make it clear: Please do not stop taking any medications you are on, without having a clear discussion with the doctor.
How did life go after you stopped taking medicines?
It was a childhood dream to shave my hair off. That was the first thing I did. Then, I didn’t want to be amid people I love – my family and friends – while going through withdrawal symptoms. So I went on a solo trip to the Himalayas for two months because I needed that break to process and connect with myself – ‘Who is Lenaa?’
Why the Himalayas?
It was just a feeling, a sudden urge. I believe that there is always some meaning or purpose behind our instant feelings. Life has an agenda on why it chose to become this form.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
It’s not a belief for me; I have experienced it. While going through withdrawal symptoms, I started remembering my past lives.
Your previous birth…
I was a Buddhist monk, and I died at the age of 63. Maybe, that is why I tonsured my head and felt the spontaneous call to visit the Himalayas. I had died near the Tibet-Nepal border. I remember the entire lifetime and that’s why I felt like going there.
How did you manage to balance spirituality and cinema?
While acting, one has to transform into a character. That process became easier for me. There’s no ego coming in the way. I view my film career as a path that funds my spiritual life. Spirituality can’t be sustained when you don’t have the basic needs in your life.
Did you ever feel the need to detach yourself fully from the world?
Yes, very much. That’s why I went to the Himalayas. There, I learnt that detachment, for detachment’s sake alone, does not do much good. One still has to feed the body and cater to one’s needs. I believe you can find spirituality in ordinary, everyday existence. It need not be spectacular. After all, life is life. It doesn’t matter if you are embracing spirituality wearing rudraksha or bikini.
What role does religion play?
Religion is like a bridge. Helps you cross to the other side. However, if you get stuck in religion, you can become a fanatic.
What was your bridge?
I was very fortunate. Let me explain: my father is a Nair. Hindu. My mother is an Anglo-Indian Roman Catholic. My sister is Muslim. My father’s brother’s wife is Sikh. In this setting, from my vantage point, I could see that all religions led to the same place.
This is the work of destiny. All the pieces are leading to this moment. For everyone. If you reflect on your lives, you will see that everything that transpired – victories, mishaps, etc. – unfolded in the manner it did so that you could be where you are now.
Do you attribute your success in your flowering years to spirituality?
No. I believe that it was just a pre-written script unfolding. It might look like a success to you from the outside. For me personally, it was the worst time in my life because I was going through emotional, intellectual, and worldly trauma. I was on antidepressants and was going through chaos. My entire life until 2017 was an uphill battle.
Who are the key people in your core circle?
I don’t have a circle. This process works that way. Because when we go to a deeper level of this, everything will change. It’s like waves. Our brain always tries to put this into circles, into boxes, or into spaces. The brain is always trying to manage time and space, but we all should try to break it.
Have you had spiritual conversations with anyone in the film industry?
Yes, very much. The person who has helped me on this spiritual journey the most is none other than Mohanlal.
The year 2008 was a time when I had just escaped this state of ‘victim mentality’. I was ready to manifest my life in ways that I deemed fit. I made a list of goals for the year: make money, buy a flat, go on a long journey, etc. I was able to accomplish everything on the list save for the last entry on the list… shooting a film with Lalettan.
I had not done many films in 2008. I was focused mostly on teleserials. It was December, and the year was coming to a close. Then, I got a call to work in a film starring Mohanlal. In an effort to set a Guinness world record, the team wanted to wrap up the shoot within 24 hours. The name of the film, interestingly, was ‘Bhagavan’, and it was being shot close to Guruvayur. As I said, destiny was at play. One thing leads to another. While it may all seem random at first, it is all connected.
At the location of the shoot, I was reading. Mohanlal asked me what I was reading. It was ‘Courage’ by Osho. He opened up. He recommended another work of Osho – ‘The Book of Secrets’, a commentary on Vigyan Bhairav Tantra. It covers 112 techniques to master the question of ‘Who I am’.
I bought that book the same day. For the next 2 and a half years, I immersed myself in it. It changed my life. I was able to consolidate my experiences from 2004. For the past 19 years, I have been actualising that self-realisation moment from 2004. Life is conscious energy. It cannot be created or destroyed. Lenaa is the name of the body, not life.
You added another ‘a’ to your name. What was its significance?
Yes. It has significance because everything has a vibration. Now the name has a different vibrational frequency. When you say a word without its correct pronunciation, it will not have an impact. That’s why they say mantras will have the desired impact only if chanted in the right way.
Now that brings us to a controversial subject. If you change the name of India to Bharat, will it behave differently? It sounds different, as it has a different vibrational frequency. This land was called Bharat before. Some island dwellers came and decided to call it India, and it started behaving differently. If we start calling it Bharat, it will again behave differently, and this place will change.
So, you vote for Bharat over India?
We have to go back to our roots. I believe there is something good, wisdom there. Moreover, a colonial power named us India. We changed so many names here – Chennai, Mumbai, Kolkata…. So why not this change? Bharat is a very powerful name in our literature.
Our country is a rare one. We have so many core things, so many languages. We have a core language – Sanskrit. Similarly, this religion we call Hinduism is integral to us, so we should preserve it. I am not saying this based on any political or religious ideology.
Did you send a copy of the book to Lalettan?
Yes. I got the copies of my book and was thinking about giving him a copy. He was very instrumental in my journey; he is one of my spiritual gurus. So just as I was thinking about how to hand him a copy, I got a call from a production controller to dub for the film Barroz, directed by Mohanlal. I have not acted in it, but they wanted me to give voice for a character. There, I gave the book to him. Life is magical.
There is perfection to everything. My all-time favourite lines from the Upanishads are: Om Poornnam-Adah Poornnam-Idam Poornnaat-Poornnam-Udacyate, Poornnasya Poornnam-Aadaaya Poornnam-Eva-Avashissyate. It means: Om… that is complete, full, or perfect. This is complete. From completeness comes completeness. If completeness is taken away from completeness, only completeness remains.
Would you call yourself a new-gen guru?
I would like not to be called a guru because people will think that they have to surrender to me. I am a guide who loves to help people in any way on their spiritual journey. A guide is a guru, but if I call myself a guru, people’s egos might start resisting.
What next?
This is the first time I am openly discussing my spiritual life to this extent. I see it as the start of something new. It’s like being in the right place at the right time. At the Sharjah Book Fair, actor Dileep will launch the book, and the Kindle version will come out soon. So, it’s like a new life for me.
However, I don’t have any expectations. I stopped expecting, and caring about outcomes. I’m here to watch the magic show. We have to start watching life as a timelapse. That’s when you see the magic.
What are your future plans?
I’m planning to have a video course. It will be in bite-sized sessions.
And cinema?
Work is work, personal life is personal, and my personal life is spiritual. Cinema keeps my material life going, and gives me a creative platform. Cinema is my passion, and I love acting. I will continue to do that.
Your favourite characters you have done till now?
My current favourite is Sulu from ‘Ennalum Ente Aliya’. She is so fresh and pleasant. Then I’m doing a movie called ‘Idiyan Chandu’, and Vishnu Unnikrishnan is the hero. I’m doing the character of his mother, Indu. Another favourite is Pathumma from ‘Ennu Ninte Moideen’. Usually, all the characters I get a positive response from the audience are my favourites… ‘Spirit’, ‘Left, Right, Left’, ‘Traffic’…
You once found dubbing challenging. Recently you did the dubbing for Raveena Tandon in KGF 2…
The first time I attempted dubbing was for the film ‘Randam Bhavam’. I lacked confidence in my Malayalam and felt my voice lacked the sweetness of the heroines of that time. I always felt my voice was like rubbing a coconut shell on a rock. It was Lal Jose sir who insisted that I dub for the film. I recall watching it at the Ragam theatre in Thrissur. Some people booed. I was quite young, and that shattered me. I refused to dub for a long time.
After the film ‘101 Chodyangal’, director Sidhartha Siva pointed out that I missed out on a national award as I had not been dubbed. Later, while making ‘Ee Adutha Kaalath’, Murali Gopi and Arun Kumar Aravind persuaded me to dub again. And now, my voice has its own distinct identity.
What are your upcoming projects?
The immediate release that is going to happen is Bandra. Arun Gopi is the director and will feature Dileep and Tamannaah Bhatia. I appear in three-four different get-ups in this fun, mass film.
TNIE team: Cithara Paul, S Neeraj Krishna, Krishna P S, Ronnie Kuriakose, Mahima Anna Jacob, Aishwarya Prabhakaran, T P Sooraj (photos), Pranav V P (video)