KOCHI: Dating apps have been witnessing a spike in user activity ever since Covid struck. Latest reports say Bumble, the in-thing now, has crossed over 40 lakh users in India. And, according to a survey by the women-first dating app, 81 per cent of Indian singles are “feeling positive” about dating this new year.
A chat with youngsters reveals that Kerala, too, is seeing a cultural shift in the dating scene. Here, The New Indian Express takes a look at where the Malayali crowd is at.
Sneha John (25), a native of Kochi, started an account on Tinder “out of curiosity”, as she wanted to experience what her friends were talking about. Going through many profiles, the PG student zeroed in on a 26-year-old guy with “quirky interests and similar ideologies”. It was an immediate right swipe.
For the uninitiated, ‘right swipe’ means ‘interested’. It’s the first step; interaction begins with mutual ‘right swipes’.
Apps such as Grindr and Tinder shook up the global dating scene over the past decade. Gradually, they began rewriting the idea of dating in India as well. Soon more players entered the scene.
Taking note of the soaring demand in Kerala, the Aisle dating app company launched Arike, an exclusive platform for Malayalis in 2021. It was billed as India’s first vernacular dating app.
“Options grew and people got hooked to dating apps during the lockdown,” says Nisha, a writer hailing from Malappuram. “The longing to connect with new people spurred many to check out dating apps those days.”
Nisha adds that dating apps are not just about love or hookups. “It’s also a space to find meaningful connections,” she says. “For instance, a guy I met via Bumble connected me with my current roommate. That guy stays next door, and the three of us share a good bond now.”
Each app has a different audience, according to dating gurus. While Tinder came to be known as a space for hookups, Bumble saw people looking for casuals, friendships, long-term relationships, marriage prospects, and even business networking.
“It’s interesting to see how dating apps, which were once used to find romance or flings, have evolved into places where there are a lot of choices. Such a shift has also helped in reducing the stigma associated with dating apps,” adds Nikita.
Sunrise-breakfast combo?
Dating styles, too, have changed. Though the classic coffee-shop dates remain the evergreen favourite, people have been exploring new means to get to know the date. Long drives, sunrise-plus-breakfast combos, book hooks, nature trails, art exhibitions, and ‘Netflix and chill’ are some of the new trends.
Thiruvananthapuram-based law student Muhammed Asif Cherachen gives a thumbs up to the idea of book dates. “If we hit it off on the app, the further conversation would be either over a cup of coffee or books. We read together, share our thoughts, discuss politics, and so on,” he says.
For Kochi-based Sreelakshmi V, 22, a quality date means spending a day together. “Once I took a guy out. We went shopping, checked out a pet store, took a long sunset walk, and finally wound up the date at a restaurant,” she says. “Going on such a date helps one learn several aspects about the other individual.”
Celine, 35, began using dating apps to boost her self-esteem after going through a broken marriage. “There are times you see only your flaws when one hits a low,” she says. “When I go on dates, I receive comments like ‘you are fun’; such little things have a positive impact. Also, it felt refreshing to meet new people and engage in conversations.”
Polyamorous relationships
Open relationships and marriages, too, are not common among Malayalis. “One of my male friends is in a serious relationship with a bisexual woman. She still meets women via dating apps, and he is cool with it,” says Nisha. “I had once met a guy on a dating app, who was married and had a son. The husband and wife were in an open marriage.”
Arsha, popularly known as Arshootti on Instagram, says perspectives on relationships are rapidly changing. “I have spoken to married people looking for polyamorous relationships,” adds the 23-year-old social worker from Kochi. “It’s interesting to know that such things happen in Kerala.”
These days, she continues, people are quite frank with what exactly they are looking for. “Youngsters are clear about their preferences, emotions and boundaries,” says Arsha.
Commitment issues
Anija Nair, 34, started exploring dating apps during the lockdown. After walking out of a broken marriage, she has been on the lookout for serious relationships. “I am yet to find true love or commitment via these apps,” says the Kochi-based software engineer.
“Most men in Kerala are looking for flings or casuals. So even if the date hits off quite well, they seem unsure of whether to continue or not. However, I found some good female friends… I found people in similar situations as mine. We were able to form a mutual support system.”
Anija, who is currently in the US, believes Kerala is moving towards a “westernised culture”. “People in the US, meanwhile, are now embracing the concept of one partner and settling down,” she adds. “In Kochi, 8 out of 10 people on apps don’t want anything serious.”
Nisha, too, says it is not that easy to find “true connections” via apps. “The concept of love has become so casual because now there is a problem of plenty,” she adds. “There are people who swipe away on apps while on a date!”
That’s not an exaggeration, says Anija. “I have been in a situation where my friend was unknowingly speaking to a guy I had met via the app.”
Kochi-based Adithya Kumar, who works as an assistant director, says he looks only for casual relationships. “I state it upfront,” he adds. “If I feel the connection, it will continue for some time.”
Mechanical engineering student Ashwin Menon is not much impressed with the ‘flow’ in Kerala. “Women here take time to meet in person. In Bengaluru, meetups happen within a day or a week of conversation,” says the 24-year-old.
Thiruvananthapuram native Muhammed Asif, 24, says that he has been on dating apps since he was 19. “I decided to put a stop to it recently, as the dating scene in the capital city isn’t fulfilling,” he says.
Nikita believes there are fewer women than men on dating apps due to the fear of being judged. “Many people still haven’t understood the idea of socialising, they still associate the apps as platforms for sexual hookups alone,” she says.
“In fact, some men who present themselves as liberal and ‘woke’ turn judgemental when they find a woman they know on dating apps. And the majority of them don’t intend to marry the women they find on online dating apps due to suspicions over morality.”
Success stories, traps
There are sweet success stories, too. Kozhikode-based Mithila R, 40, is a single mother to her 13-year-old son. She recently closed her Bumble account, as she found “the right match” and is getting married soon. “Dating apps were never a choice at first,” she says. “I started with a matrimonial site. But, unlike dating apps, most of the profiles on matrimonial sites don’t state what they are looking for upfront, we would realise it only halfway.”
Kerala’s first gay couple to seek the legalisation of same-sex marriage, Nikesh Pushkaran and Sonu M S, met each other through a dating app. According to the couple, the Supreme court will take their case up on March 13.
“I joined an app in 2018. I had clearly stated that I was looking for serious relationships. Seeing similar criteria on Sonu’s profile helped us connect,” says Nikesh, who is a businessman settled in Kochi.
He adds that many queer people find it more comfortable to disclose their orientations on dating apps than the outside world. “There are also profiles of men who are married and claim to be heterosexual outside,” says Nikesh.
“One, however, has to be wary of traps. There are people who create fake profiles, get close to queer people and then blackmail for money, threatening to reveal their identities. Even people in high societal positions including police officers have fallen prey to such traps.”
Bitter experiences are not uncommon on dating apps. Law student Harishma P K, of Kozhikode, says she has come across several fake profiles, even in the women’s category. “Some verified profiles turned out to be fake,” she says. “I have also got bugged with guys approaching me for sexting.”
Neha, a postgraduate student, says there are cases when guys seek sexting right at the start of a conversation. Emotional toxicity is another issue, says Nisha. “Once, I matched well with a guy. But he used to ghost me often. That began to affect me. When I confronted him, he said he craved attention and wanted the other to feel bad. It is hard to identify such people,” she adds.
(With inputs from Nilanjana Nandan & Noel Mathew O J)
Some names have been changed as per requests