KOCHI: No is a complete sentence…. No means no.”
This was a power-packed climax dialogue rendered by Bollywood veteran Amitabh Bachchan in the thriller Pink. Tamil superstar Ajith Kumar delivered the same payload with equal elan in the film’s Tamil remake, Nerkonda Paarvai. The courtroom drama conveyed a vital message — about respecting women, and their rights.
Last week, an Ernakulam Law College student’s inappropriate behaviour towards actor Aparna Balamurali during a recent film promotion event on campus triggered discussions and debates on the same subject. Currently under suspension, the student had stepped onto the stage, shook her hand and tried to put his arm around Aparna, who was clearly uncomfortable and dodged his advances.
“I was not comfortable… It was a really bad situation,” she said at a subsequent news conference. “All the students there apologised. That was a big step on their part. The college has also taken action. I respect the college.”
Surprisingly, there were many who backed the law student on social media. They accused Aparna of overreacting. And that, yet again, raises questions on privacy, personal boundaries, and how much is too much.
Incidentally, last week saw the Kerala High Court noting in a judgment: “Lessons in good behaviour and etiquette must be part of the curriculum; and from at least the primary class level; teachers must be encouraged to instil virtues and values in students. Boys must know that they should not touch a girl/woman without her explicit consent. They should understand ‘no’ means ‘no’.”
Hearing a plea by a student of TKM College of Engineering, Kollam, who had been suspended for allegedly misbehaving with female students on campus, Justice Devan Ramachandran stressed: “Sexism is not acceptable or ‘cool’.
“Showing a girl/woman respect and honour is not old fashioned; on the contrary, is a virtue for all times…. One exhibits strength when he respects a girl/woman. Respectfulness is an imperative that needs to be inculcated very young.”
Justice Ramachandran stressed boys “should be taught that real men don’t bully women — it is unmanly; and not an expression of macho virtue, but its antithesis.” “It is, in fact, the weak men who dominate and harass women — this message must ring loud and clear,” he concluded.
As we discuss the need for the elimination of gender disparity and women empowerment in this new year, it is high time society focused on the younger generation and instilled a better sense of social decorum.
‘It begins from the womb’
Kochi-based life coach Koruth Varghese says it is important to teach youngsters to respect people of other genders. “Every culture has its own manners and etiquette. It is a universal behavioural etiquette to treat others with respect and dignity,” he says.
“We must teach children to set their own boundaries and respect others’ boundaries. One should not infringe upon another’s personal space without consent.” Varghese highlights that a child’s personal development starts from the time inside the mother’s womb. “The foundation period is up to the age of 11 years,” he adds.
“In this period, the child absorbs surroundings and mannerisms, and gets conditioned. The influences during this conditioning period reflect as the child turns into an adult. Parents and teachers have a huge responsibility in shaping the attitudes of the next generation.”
Underlining the role of parents, sexuality health educator Swati Jagadish says children must be taught about consent and personal boundaries, right from preschool. “While teaching the child to say ‘no’, we must also acknowledge and respect when the child actually says ‘no’,” she adds.
“Also, sex education in children should not be limited to understanding genders and the biological part; it should include human values as well.” Swati adds she was “saddened” to read the comments against Aparna after the law college video went viral. “To those who support him, I wish to say, when you empathise with a person, do look at the issue from the other person’s angle, too,” she says.
“What is appropriate and not appropriate is for an individual to decide when it comes to bodily autonomy. We, however, cannot blame the law student alone; he is part of the social system, which includes you and me, who were probably not taught well enough about valuing others’ personal space at a younger age.”
‘Celebs are not public properties’
Commenting on the law college incident, popular mediaperson Rekha Menon says she had often felt that “celebrities are considered public property”, especially after the advent of social media. Known for her breezy interviews with popular personalities, Rekha believes respecting the time and personal space of celebs is important.
“Being in the limelight as an anchor and mediaperson, I have felt good when some people come and ask permission before hugging and or clicking pics with me,” she says. “But, sometimes, people forget celebrities are also people with flesh and blood, and they need to be given privacy and space. They are out there doing their job, facing their own pressures.”
In a civilised society, Rekha adds, “respecting privacy and seeking consent” is a way of expressing how we value the other person. Highlighting the influence of social media, she says there is “a hunger to obtain likes and comments”, and that turns into a trigger for some people to act unruly or outlandish.
Kochi-based techie Deepika Jayaram, meanwhile, says being a “progressive generation” does not mean being uncouth. “Touching a woman without her consent is a strict no-no. In fact, touching another person of any gender without consent is uncivilised,” she adds. “The process of being civilised begins from home.”
Patriarchal elements
Dr Arun B Nair, professor of psychiatry, at Government Medical College, Thiruvananthapuram, points out psychological factors behind uncouth behaviour among youth. “Boys, especially, tend to violate personal space while engaging in banter with others, including girls,” he says. “For example, when they crack jokes and the other person laughs, they believe that the physical proximity gets eliminated. They must understand that explicit consent is needed from other parties for physical touch.” Arun highlights “patriarchal elements” still exist among men. “Many boys would have observed their fathers taking decisions and sidelining the mothers,” he notes. “Thus, when they face a difference of opinion from a girl, they find it hard to digest. So, parents should take care to become good role models for children. It is important to teach children about gender disparity, and the art of saying ‘no’.”