KOCHI: Think anger and your mind races to some of the harshest moments of your life: blood rushing to your face, heart racing, loud arguments, or an overwhelming desire to smash or destroy things, or even people. Indeed, the general perception of anger seems to be entangled with reckless decisions and the undesirable outcomes that these invariably yield.
This, while true, blindsides the narrative to the other side of this coin of emotion — the plight of those who repress their anger in fear of not effectively communicating that which riles them and thus leaving too many wounds green.
Anger is a complex emotion and it needs to be dealt with tactfully. Enter Anger Awareness Week. First devised in the UK, the campaign, which has found a footing the world over, aims to “help people befriend anger by using the right tools to calm themselves down and to deal effectively with this emotion, be it of their own or that of others.”
Here, TNIE explores the dynamics of repressed anger, the forms it takes and the coping mechanisms that people adopt. But first, a primer on this very misunderstood emotion.
Is anger bad?
As stated earlier, the general narrative will have you convinced that anger is bad. Indeed, in so many ways it likely is. But whatever your thoughts on it, what everyone agrees on is the fact that it is a ‘raw’ emotion, a ‘natural’ one.
If you’ve watched the movie Inside Out, you’d know that Anger is one of the inhabitants — besides Fear, Joy, Sadness and Disgust — in character Riley’s mind. In the flick, it is portrayed as a natural, adaptive response that lets Riley effectively tackle conflicts.
Yet in childhood, many are termed ‘bad girl’ or ‘bad boy’ for expressing anger, followed with tried-and-tested punishments. Society even has a habit of labelling angry individuals as toxic. What goes unsaid is that this conditioning almost always fosters the repression of a very natural emotion and people-pleasing tendencies.
“I don’t think anger is negative,” says Shweta K, a businesswoman from Kottayam. “Sometimes, it’s necessary to let it out. Otherwise, you might express it wrongly or towards someone else.” Sumi Thomas, a writer and fellow at the NGO, ‘aikyam fellows’, says, “Anger is a useful emotion. I listen closely to it because it highlights what’s out of place in my life.”
However, she adds that she is wary of expressing her emotions as it almost always leads to terrible outcomes. “I have witnessed anger manifest as emotional or physical abuse in relationships. That trauma makes me fearful of inflicting the same on others.”
Female rage
Indeed, this fear of going overboard with anger stops many from expressing it, especially women. To express anger, they say, is an invitation to be labelled a ‘Nagavalli’ — the angry and blood-thirsty character from the hit movie Manichitrathazhu.
The movie’s climax shows Nagavalli avenging herself and the death of her lover by violently beheading the ‘karnavar’ (dummy karnavar). It was only when she was convinced that her enemy was dead did her anger dissipate.
According to Adithya Kishor Kumar, a voice and accent trainer, anger is “splashing paint jars on a canvas and expecting to get the colours correct.” It doesn’t.
“When I’m angry, I’m incredibly mean. I’ve often regretted my outbursts. Over time, I’ve learned to shut down or stay silent instead,” admits Shweta.
Adithya too employs a similar technique. “Anger management classes taught me that my anger leads nowhere. Now, I stay quiet when angry. But there are times when it explodes,” she admits.
Abigail Susan John, a sales consultant in Kochi, says, “The equation between me and anger is very strained as my mind has always associated anger with explosive fights, loud noises, blood, tears, or the end of relationships. Anger is, thus, something I fear,” she says.
Coping mechanisms
But like the luminary writer Mark Twain said, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” So people often advise, ‘Just express it. Don’t keep it within.’ But then again, what is the limit? How far is too far?
For Abigail, therapy seems to be helping. Earlier, internalising all her frustration and hatred had led her down a dark path of self-harm. “I’ve now realised that it was my pent-up anger blowing out of proportion. It was responsible for my low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. Therapy is helping me cope better with my issues,” she says.
Musician Akhil Antony prefers simply “walking away” from the scene of conflict. “Past experiences have taught me to remain calm even when I’m triggered,” he adds. For Aneesh Mathew, it’s about finding an alternative to ground himself. “By listening to music, going for a walk or a bike ride can help,” he says.
Identify root cause
While coping is one thing, it’s also necessary to identify the root causes of anger. “It could be childhood trauma, emotional neglect, cultural/societal norms, among others,” says Dr Arun B Nair, a professor of psychiatry.
“Look for early warning signs like a burning sensation in the stomach, muscle tension, headache, numbness and shivering. Identifying these signs will help one understand their triggers and distance themselves from the space,” he adds.
Psychiatrist Dr C J John concurs, “Expressing anger, when done appropriately, is only normal. But if not, it gets repressed. And no alternative practice or creative outlets can be effective until the person gains insights into their own repressed anger,” he says.
Repressed anger does more harm to ourselves than to others. So, this Anger Awareness Week, let’s pledge to befriend anger by using the right tools to calm ourselves down and to deal effectively with this emotion, be it our own or that of others.
Common factors
Unpleasant childhood/ childhood trauma
Emotional neglect- expressing feelings not allowed in the household
Cultural/ societal norms
Signs
Repressed anger can manifest both mentally and physically in a person.
Behavioural symptoms may include mood swings, passive-aggressiveness, frequent guilt and shame, people-pleasing and dissociation.
Physical symptoms include unexplained tension in the body, headache, dizziness, trouble with sleeping, burning sensation in the stomach and teeth grinding
How to release repressed anger
Track anger in your body by identifying physical symptoms
Practice assertive communication: Learn to state why you’re angry and what you need from others in a respectful and straightforward manner
Therapy: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Interpersonal therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
5 D’s of healthy coping mechanism
Distance
Distract
Drink water
Deep breathing
Discuss