KOCHI: One of the college professors back in the day told us in class that we were to ask questions, and that what mattered was if we were asking the right questions, and not so much whether we knew the right answer right away.
This professor was so particular about us asking great questions that there was even five points for the kind of questions each of us asked – that surely kept us on our toes, thinking about what we were thinking about and how to ask questions that will really get us to greater truths and a deeper understanding of the subject at hand.
Asking the right questions is an art in itself, not just when we are in college but for all aspects of our lives. Love and relationships are no exception to this rule. If we go through our relationships never asking any questions of it, or ask only superficial questions that don’t reveal anything, we might end up just enduring things as they are due to our own insecurities, go on a path that does not work in the long run and we might end up getting really hurt when things turn sour.
So, what are the right questions to ask in a relationship so you know if you are really in a good space with each other? How do you know that you are not chasing fool’s gold as it were and that all the investment, of both time and emotions, is going to be worth the while?
A question like, ‘Am I happy?’ might seem a simple but good question, but that might be short-sighted. Acts of validation, or here-and-now experiences, might give you a resounding ‘Yes!’ as an answer but that might not mean much in the long run, and on the other hand, a partner’s insistence on a boundary might make you unhappy briefly, but might actually be very healthy in the long run. Similarly, if you ask if you are safe or secure, you will get some useful answers but not necessarily sufficient information.
A question such as, ‘What do you like about me?’ might help. If your partner’s answers highlight things like how great a listener you are, or how well you cook and things like that, it might mean that your partner likes you for how you make them feel, rather than yourself. You want to hear answers that are more about qualities that make you who you are. Other good questions can be things like, ‘What do you think might be challenges we face in the next ten years?’ or, ‘What core values do you think we share, and we don’t share?’ or, ‘What might hurt our relationship that we will find difficult to recover from?’
There are tonnes of great questions to ask that will help us know our relationship more deeply, and it is so important that we take the time to ask these questions, and face the answers we hear with courage and conviction.
(The writer’s views are his own)
Loveology
Mahesh Natarajan
(The author is a counsellor with InnerSight)