
KOCHI: About ten years ago, as part of the popular Burning Man festival in Nevada in the US, Ukrainian artist Alexander Milov exhibited a sculpture titled ‘Love’. It features two adult figures sitting back-to-back, seemingly sad and upset. What made the sculpture particularly relevant was what was inside — a child in each trying to reach out to the other to connect. If you have been active on social media over the past decade, you would have seen the original image or several derivative ones.
From the perspective of a couple in conflict with each other, this image hits at a different level, as if it speaks to you personally and directly, representing your own world — how it can look big while seen from the outside but can be quite hollow inside. It makes us feel how the adult part of us can be sad and feel broken, unable to see eye to eye with our partner.
We might feel lonely, even if we are mirroring each other’s emotions. Some might connect to how we want that child-like connection for companionship but are otherwise weighed down by the steely density of adultness.
Children often do conflict differently from adults. They might fight over something as if they hate each other. Yet, ten minutes later, they would play together as if nothing had happened. As we grow, we find it harder and harder to do that — our conflicts get more serious and our need for companionship gets hijacked by the need to resolve the conflicts first.
Yet, if we can come back to the play and companionship, the conflicts become much more bearable, manageable and ultimately, solvable. Even in politics, when dealing with the thorniest border issues, healthier approaches are about having soft contacts, cultural exchanges, cross-border trade and other trust-building exercises, provided there are no outrageous escalations.
Most times, in our relationships, conflicts are not so horribly serious that we cannot even look at each other. But we let it take over and define our relationships. We see the big conflict, but not the little people inside that are eager to be seen, to be connected and loved. We emphasise rightness, order and compliance, and forget that we are both hurting.
If we sit with each other, try to let the very grown-up part of ourselves open up a little, and allow the more childlike parts to connect, we might just find ourselves able to love each other better, and yes, resolve conflicts as well.