In the previous column, as a first step to taking responsibility for experiencing love, I had asked you to complete two sentences:
‘If you love me, then you will...’ and ‘I know I love you because...’
The exercise is meant to make us aware of the beliefs and meanings that we attach to the word, ‘love’. These beliefs and meanings have a unique significance for each one of us. For example, a woman believed, “If my husband loves me, he should spend his free time only with me and my children”. She felt angry whenever her husband went out by himself.
A closer look showed that the meaning she constructed at such times was, ‘If I am important to him (if he loves me), he will be with me’. Therefore, the conclusion based on the meaning of love for her is that ‘he does not love me’.
Once Mulla Nasruddin (a fictional Persian folk character) received a letter from his lover. She had written that she missed him a lot and wanted to meet him immediately. Mulla Nasruddin replied, “I love you so much that when you want to meet me, nothing can stop me. I will cross the ocean and mountains. I will fly like a bird and travel with lightning. I will make clouds and thunder a vehicle for me to travel” and so on. The letter ended stating, “Today, it is raining so I will come tomorrow”.
Before we read the end, it appears that Mulla is madly in love with the woman and would go immediately to meet her. However, Mulla Nasruddin’s meaning of love did not warrant risking the rain for her.
It is very important that we understand the meaning a word or an action has for us and what meaning it has for the other person, especially words or action that hurt us. Quite often the meaning construction of a word is radically different for two different people. It has been my experience that even seemingly simple words carry different meanings for different individuals. We expect our meanings to match with our partners, which may not happen all the time. At such times, we feel hurt and sad. In truth, the hurt is caused by the meaning we have constructed. It is our responsibility to understand this difference and if necessary, clarify the meaning with the other person so that we do not hold him/her responsible for hurting us. Not clarifying and holding on to the grudge could affect our rhythm in life.
Most of the meaning we construct in a relationship ultimately boils down to being loved or not being loved. In a relationship, ‘love’ takes many different meanings.
Among the ancient Greeks, there were three names for love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is a dependent-based love: ‘I need you and I love you’. Philos is a security-based love: ‘It’s safe and I love you’. Agape is the highest form of love. It is a love that is extended unconditionally and given by choice: ‘I see you and I love you’.
It is worthwhile to check our beliefs and meaning for the word ‘love’ against Eros, Philos and Agape
— ageethan@gmail.com