CHENNAI: I finished Class XII this year. When I was in Class X, I was in love with a guy. It lasted for three months only. I went to another school to pursue my higher studies. So I was unable to contact him and also felt guilty about keeping this from my parents. This made me depressed. He is a very nice guy but does not understand my situation. How do I make him understand? Please help me.
Dear Friend,
I understand your struggle between choosing your boyfriend and being favourable to your parents. It is like being pulled in two different directions. This is a dilemma where one experiences low confidence and lack of clarity. First, I would want you to feel normal about your experience. Many youngsters, out of curiosity and excitement accept proposals of love. Later when they do a reality check, they take a different perspective and withdraw from the relationship.
You need to deal with your feeling of guilt. Had you continued your relationship with the boy, you would have felt guilty that you have let your parents down. This means any decision of yours, either in favour of the boy or in favour of your parents would have made you guilty. So instead of pleasing others, ask yourself what you want in life. Once you do this, you will easily drop the need to convince your boyfriend. Remember, whatever you explain, he may or may not get convinced, and it is not in your hands. When we try to control what is not in our power, then the chances of experiencing a dilemma are high.
The next step is to visualise or imagine how you want to shape your life, your career and your relationships. Ask yourself which decision of yours will help you fulfill that dream. Another perspective in relationships is the need to be mature with respect to age, financial and social status. Assess whether you are matured in these aspects before making life impacting choices. For example, when the boy is blaming you in front of others, it does not show him being mature. You chose to get into the relationship with the boy when you were in Class X, which may be an immature age. I am not saying what you did is wrong. What I want to explain is that, you should take time to learn skills and focus on becoming mature in areas that will make an impact on your relationship — finance and society. Relationships are not just about accepting or exchanging love. What you need to keep in mind is, it is a responsibility, and once you are ready to take it, you will not have these questions or confusion in you. All the best.
A Geethan is a Chennai-based psychotherapist and organisational consultant. He is the founder-director of Nibbana (Visit www.ncpc-india.com). You can send in your queries to queries.edex@newindianexpress.com.