Some clients who come for therapy sessions believe that, had their parents been demonstrative of their love and care for them as children, they would be leading happier lives today. Other clients recall instances from their childhood which include parents not spending enough time with them, parents perceived as being too controlling and not giving enough freedom to choose, punishing and being too rigid.
Such narrations from clients are telling of the hurt they experienced, as the child in a parent-child relationship. Their experiences are about the nurturing they had not received. On the other hand, I have also heard clients say, had my parents been strict with me, I would have been more self disciplined. Some say, I was never told what rules to follow, my parents did not allow me to experience struggles of life, which would have helped me to come up on my own, etc. These narrations are indicative of lack of structure. Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawsons, authors of the book ‘Growing Up Again’ found in their research that parenting needs to balance between nurture and structure.
Nurture is love care and support children need for who they are. Every child has a need to hear, “You are lovable and I love you unconditionally”. Children develop high self esteem, when they are shown unconditional love. They need to be lovingly touched or hugged physically. However, it is good to check with the child, when and how the child wants to hear such loving words. When children are asked how they want to receive love, they feel valued and respected. Once an appropriate self esteem is developed, children are able to face the ups and downs in life and keep progressing. However, nurture alone is not sufficient.
Children also need structure from parents, which means learning skills, experiencing limits, and learning to set standards. The parents need to demonstrate to the child “You can do this, you are capable, I will teach you how.” Once a 25-year-old boy expressed that his parents never taught him to blow or clean his running nose, as a result of which he was teased by classmates. He grew up thinking that something was wrong with him. Children need parents to teach them social habits to take care of themselves and align with societal norms. In forming a structure, parents teach children rules, habits, ethics and values. With appropriate structure, children are able to develop self discipline. They learn,” What I can do and how I am responsible for my actions”.
The right combination of nurture and structure can help children to form appropriate self esteem and develop self discipline. I am sure most parents are doing their best in giving nurturing and forming structure for their children. However, it is important that parents become conscious of their nurturing and structuring style and its impact on children. Nurturing in extreme can become an abuse and extreme structure can lead to rigidity. I will write about different styles of nurturing and structuring methods and its impact on children in the coming week. Have a good week ahead!