I have been in the field of counselling, psychotherapy and organisational consultancy for more than a decade. I have heard, and seen many cry when they share their experiences. In moments like these, they cover their face or control their tears as if nothing happened. Some reach for tissues immediately. Why is it difficult to cry?
Crying is one of the many human expressions. Our life starts with a cry. When a child is born, the first happy sound for the family members is the child’s cry. Later, as we grow our need to cry is stifled. Crying is associated with being weak. Hence, many of us decide not to show our tears or the need to cry because we will be seen as a weak person.
In my understanding crying has three different expressions.
Crying for something: As a child it is natural to cry, to have our needs met. When we cry, our parents give milk or a soothing rock. In adult life too, the need to cry may communicate our need for attention. Our need to cry can be a guide to know what we want.
Crying about something is a kind of mourning. We cry to get over what we have lost. When we hold back our tears, the grieving process necessary to overcome the loss gets hindered. Crying about a loss can be a healing journey.
Crying because of something: When people feel overwhelmed out of joy, anger, fear or sadness, they may start crying. At those moments, their tears express a lot more than what is communicated explicitly. As shame is associated with crying, when adults have tears in their eyes, they withdraw or sulk.
Crying without expressing leaves oneself and the other in a situation of pressure and confusion. If you feel intense emotion and are not able to express through words, then say, “I need a break,” take some time for the emotion to settle and then express.
I teach clients to learn to give words to their tears. Thus, intense emotions get integrated with our cognitive capacity. When cognition and emotion integrate, our personal ability to handle the situation increases over a period of time. Crying is human and when we are able to cry, it shows that we belong to the human race. “It’s okay to cry.”
A Geethan is a Chennai-based psychotherapist and organisational consultant. He is the founder-director of Nibbana (Visit www.ncpc-india.com). You can send in your queries to queries.edex@newindianexpress.com