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Going beyond a pinch or a poke

These were the pick of the queries received via WhatsApp and answered by life coach Adarsh Basavaraj. Keep them coming!

Published: 09th January 2017 06:00 AM  |   Last Updated: 07th January 2017 06:16 PM   |  A+A-

Express News Service

Why is it that boys tease girls? TroubledMe

Dear Readers,
Being based out of Bengaluru, when the NEW YEAR SHAME INCIDENT (or the mass molestation) took place recently in Brigade Road on New Year’s eve... I couldn’t resist taking this up as it has to be addressed IMMEDIATELY.

Molestation, and disrespect towards women isn’t new and it has to stop. We cannot expect to be a DEVELOPED Nation if we don’t evolve in our THINKING and by thinking, I’m referring to the basic social etiquette. There are equally devastating incidents that I come across, wherein women have molested the opposite sex. But today, I feel it is necessary to give priority to the safety of women.

Where does it all start, parenting?
Let me make it clear that the intention here is not to blame anybody, but facilitate evolution in all fronts, especially parenting.

I would like to cut to the chase and make you aware of how we teach the boys to be STRONG & dominant, whereas force the girls to be soft, accommodative and nurturing. In many cases, I have come across parents who choose to remain quiet in spite of the male child becoming violent physically with his sister, whereas if the contrary happens the girl is asked to remain calm and be mature.

If empathy levels are not taught and equality is not established at home, it often leads to unruly behaviour on the long run. Fathers who ill treat or abuse their wives in front of children, tend to pass on that same violent behaviour to their sons.

Another factor is the lack of sex education. In some cases, I have come across individuals who have seen someone DO IT, developed curiosity, but due to the absence of SEX EDUCATION become sexual abusers to satisfy their curiosity.

There’s also another side to the story. Boys who have been sexually abused exist too. They develop trust issues, don’t understand relationships and mistake friendship for seduction. The reason why I am emphasising on the importance of parenting is because CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.
The moral, social and cultural values and norms needs to be strongly taught at home. This determines how a man will tackle his sexual urge and remain in balance.

What other factors lead to this?
Group dynamics and peer pressure is another factor. When a group is formed, every member is expected to follow the rules because of peer pressure. For example, if the group gets drunk and one of them starts groping a woman, the others tend to follow especially of that particular person is the ALPHA.

OBJECTIFICATION of women as SEX OBJECTS has and still is a major factor. Especially with every movie having an ITEM SONG and transition of mainstream porn actresses into the entertainment industry has made men look at women just as that. Adding to this, the easy access to internet to all.
Finally, I would like to make you all aware of the fact that many sexual offenders are the ones suffering from the lowest self esteem and confidence. They feel the boost when they use their physical strength to reduce others into a helpless soul and that thrill makes them repeat the behaviour.
The solution?

All this leads to only two solutions. One, to have strict rules by the government to protect women and the ability to enforce it with adequate infrastructure or two, for US the people of the society to INITIATE & BE THE CHANGE. I shall save writing things you already know like maybe carrying a pepper spray, going out in groups, etc. I would rather request and appeal to you all to help transform our society into a more dignified one.

My final word,
Let’s all take up a serious initiative to educate and change as many as we can to become the PROTECTORS rather than the OFFENDERS. Let us encourage women to become stronger, be well protected and safe. Let us advice the vulnerable, protect the helpless and be observant of the innocent. The last sentence might be a cliché, so let’s do it MY STYLE. Let us protect someone else’s family, so that someone else protects our own! Let us make good karma our strongest ally!

With Regards,
Adarsh Benakappa Basavaraj
“The Coach”

I’m 13 years old. My mother is depressed because of my father. In my family, no one likes us, though she did a lot for them. She always cries. I am her only hope. I want to make her happy. MomNMe

I APPRECIATE you for your maturity, understanding what your mother is going through and having the urge to do something about it. This MATTERS. She is going through this phase because she’s doesn’t have an EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. It’s not the materialistic aspects that matter, real happiness comes when you have someone to rely on. Be THAT STRONG PILLAR OF SUPPORT to your mother and spend time with her. Ensure that you’re positive around her. I’m sure that you too have some challenges of your own, rather than feeling low and making your mother feel worse, forget about them as of now, and focus on what you can do to keep your mother happy. Even small gestures like buying her a rose or a card might help. Try to go for walks with her, maybe even assist her in cooking, etc. Do whatever you can do to distract her. Make her feel so good that she thinks “I don’t care how others are behaving, I have my son and that’s enough”. Buddy, if you manage to invoke that feeling in her, that’s the BEST FEELING she can experience.
Reasoning with your grandfather or father will make it worse, as they’ll ask you to keep away since you’re a kid. They might harass your mother by accusing her of trying to poison your mind against them.
Parallely, focus on your life and take this as a challenge to earn well so that your mother doesn’t have to depend on your father. When she’s independent, it will make her stronger and if you’re the reason for her strength, she will feel great.

I’m 18. I used to study well in school, now in college I don’t. Others who got lower marks in the boards are doing better than me. What do I do?
MarkUp

Sometimes, this is the price ones pays for lack of seriousness. Am not trying to make you feel worse, the intent is to make you aware of the consequences of lack of prioritisation. Now, you have two options. One, pull up your socks and DISCONNECT with everyone and everything. You have a lot on your plate so make a PRACTICAL study plan and STICK TO it. DO NOT THINK OF studying as A BURDEN. Think of it as a second chance and feel blessed that you still have time and haven’t gone to the level of getting a NFTC/NFTE notice from your university.
While studying, write keywords and practice. Take adequate breaks when you feel fatigued, drink water/juice to keep yourself well hydrated and eat on time. You definitely will find it boring to study the same subject for a stretch, hence study one chapter of one subject and after you take a break finish studying one chapter of another subject. Let’s get REAL in your case. You cannot expect to have great aggregates and get placed in companies which have a minimum aggregate criteria, your focus should be on ensuring that you clear all subjects and graduate. Once that’s done, you can meet job consultants for a job. It is recommended that you take up a certification course that will add value to your stream as it’ll help HRs overlook your marks and focus on your skill sets.
If you are too lazy and still haven’t gotten serious about life, or feel that this is too TOUGH to handle. You’ll have to forget the three years and take up some other degree or course based on your 12th. Which is also OK, but depends on a lot of other factors. I’m sure if you take my advice seriously, you’ll ROCK IT!

At 21, I’m a night owl. I like to study at night. Exams are over but I am unable to sleep on time. ShutI

People tend to develop this habit for a purpose. When we don’t have THAT PURPOSE we feel LOST. There is no need to worry but this habit makes us recalibrate our BIOLOGICAL CLOCK. In the sense, we have gradually TAUGHT our minds to be ALERT at this time. It’ll again take time to set this right. There are three ways to handle this. The first, as your mind has gotten used to being at its PEAK EFFICIENCY during this period. So, this would be the best time to read, learn or do something that you’re interested in. The second being, a method I call CONSTRUCTIVE DESTRUCTION. It’s a process where in you destroy your mind’s habit by OVER EXHAUSTING it. You need to stay awake for one whole cycle either by watching movies or playing games. Even in the day, get busy doing one thing or another. Once you’re able to push yourself to be awake till your TARGET TIME that you want to sleep, you’ll be able to make it a habit in a couple of days or weeks. The last but not the least, take up a form of exercise which is exhausting. cardiovascular exercises and swimming are WONDER DRUGS here. But don’t push yourself to exhaustion.

I am 22 and I had a lover. She met my other girlfriend, realised I two-timed them and they’ve both left me.  LuvTwo

I don’t know what you expected from me, but I’ll advice you to become a better HUMAN BEING. The first thing you need to understand is the tendency to CHEAT or TWO TIME maybe because you had  BAD BREAK UP. So the first advice is to get rid of your EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE. If you’ve had a failed relationship, let it go. This also explains another aspect of ‘Fear of commitment’ because of which you were dating two girls and would’ve maybe broken up with the one that became very serious first.

There’s also a possibility that you’ve not had a very strong connection with your mother or sister. This might have again led to you subconsciously developing TRUST ISSUES with girls. You need to learn to empathise and understand that the other person also has feelings. If both factors aren’t true then you’re just PLAYING around with others’ feelings to feel better about yourself. It might give you a THRILL now, but KARMA MIGHT BITE BACK. Make the right choice.

There is a boy who loves me but he is not serious about his career or life and gets into fights at nights. When I think of this I feel like breaking up and when I tell him this he hurts himself. SadBF

If he’s not serious about his career and life, how do you expect him to be serious about you? Next, if he’s hurting himself, it’s just another way of emotional blackmail. Just being caring and loving is just one part, the important part is how much each individual is respected mutually in a serious relationship.  Regarding his late night outs. Rather than giving you advice, just ask yourself this question. Can you accept that kind of behaviour for the rest of your life? Forcing him to change will never happen. Only he has to realise that and change. All I can say is, you need to put your foot down and give him a deadline to change in all these aspects. Even if he does change, you should observe and tell him that you’ll accept that his changes only if it is consistent for at least six months. Please be practical and remember that a relationship will only last when there is stability, maturity and long term planning.

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