‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1’ (English)
Director: Bill Condon
Cast: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner
By the time the director’s name flashed before the end credits, my legs were crossed so firmly and my uterus was screaming “Not available” so loudly that I misread his surname. Long story.
What was I doing at a product of a franchise that proudly labels itself “vampire romance fantasy”? All I knew about vampires and werewolves was how to kill them — stakes and silver bullets, respectively. All I knew about the Twilight vampires is that they sparkle in the sun.
Before writing this, I researched the series to sound more authoritative. Aside from wondering how long a 100-year-old vampire that looks 17 must attend high school in order to graduate, my only takeaway is: chick likes other-worldly dangerous creatures, chooses the more viable option of two.
But the movie deals less with Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart’s) choice of partner than the political implications of abstinence and abortion. I mean, forget awareness campaigns – you want your teen kids staying off sex, make them watch this.
It begins with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) bounding off into the forest, changing into a werewolf along the way. He does this rather often, which begs the question, “Where does he pick up branded jeans and closefitting tees after casting off his clothes every time?!”
For a movie with so much nudity, the filmmakers ought to have spared a thought for the hormones of an audience that largely comprises teen girls.
Jacob has lost the love of his life to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). But the vampire groom’s kind enough to give his human bride a few moments alone in the forest with the werewolf. After a very long wedding and reception, the highlight of which is a faceoff between vampire cousins and werewolf friends, the newlyweds traipse off on a no-expenses-spared Brazilian honeymoon.
After losing his virginity at the cost of his wife’s — and the bedroom furniture’s — safety, Edward decides to abstain and play chess. But his wife’s too horny. Never mind the contraception, they say, because there’s no historical record of vampires and humans making babies.
Well, whaddyaknow, she’s preggers. And the foetus/baby/it — nomenclature becomes a subplot by itself — is growing fast, breaking Bella’s bones, and making her drink blood that Edward thoughtfully serves in a milkshake container.
It falls to Jacob to save Bella from murderous werewolves; the vampires are busy researching the Internet to predict the fate of the bun in Bella’s oven. But, since they only come up with Henry Fuseli’s ‘The Nightmare’, one imagines their brains are not quite as sharp as their teeth.
However, this beautifully shot movie has its moments. The opening scene of a flashback may appear to be kitsch of the lowest order to some; but to others who delight in pseudo-intellectuality, as I do, or rate Bill Condon, as I do, it’s a marvelous in-joke: a salute to James Whale, an apology to the discerning monster buff, a jibe at Twilighters.
As if to heckle the high morals it has embraced all through, the movie has a dubious lesson for boys – if you can’t win Momma, gun for the daughter.
So, my verdict is if you had the time and inclination to read the books, you do watch the movies; otherwise, go only if you crave for disturbing images of blood consumption, anatomy, and childbirth.