At first, it feels like a deep connection, an unshakeable bond where emotions intertwine, thoughts align, and words are often unnecessary. But slowly, the air around you grows heavy. You hesitate before making decisions alone. Their moods dictate yours, and you start feeling guilty for wanting space or saying “no” for needing something different. This isn’t love. This is enmeshment, a concept first introduced by Salvador Minuchin, the pioneer of structural family therapy.
A Bond that Controls
According to research by the National Library of Medicine, among enmeshed families, boundaries are overly diffuse and permeable, causing family members to become emotionally entangled with one another. This lack of clear boundaries can hinder individual autonomy and personal growth. Samata Saha Kar, a community psychologist and the CEO of Prospexive, an institute addressing the psychological wellness needs in Kolkata, describes enmeshment as a relationship pattern where boundaries are weak or nonexistent. She says, “Individual needs become secondary to maintaining the relationship, often at the cost of personal growth. Unlike healthy intimacy, where two individuals remain distinct yet connected, enmeshment suffocates. It disguises itself as deep love but, over time, demands conformity. ”
Why Does It Happen?
Enmeshment is often rooted in childhood. Families that lack clear boundaries—where personal space, independence, and emotional autonomy aren’t encouraged—can unknowingly condition children to believe that love means losing oneself. Children from enmeshed families grow up associating closeness with obligation. They struggle with guilt when asserting their own needs because they were raised to prioritise others. Trauma can also be a catalyst. If a person has experienced abandonment or emotional neglect, they may cling to relationships, fearing that independence equals loss.
Breaking Free
Escaping enmeshment isn’t about cutting ties; it’s about redefining them. It means shifting relationships from dependence to mutual respect, where closeness is a choice, not an obligation. The process begins with recognition—acknowledging that the guilt, hesitation, and self-doubt that arise when asserting independence are symptoms of a deeper issue, not signs of selfishness. Reclaiming individuality is the next step. Enmeshment often suppresses personal identity, making it difficult to separate who you are from who you’ve been expected to be. This means rediscovering personal interests, reconnecting with long-neglected goals, and making choices without seeking approval or fearing repercussions.
Letting Go
It’s terrifying to untangle from enmeshment because it feels like losing love. But real love doesn’t require losing oneself. Over time, as more people realise the situation and accept it, they will understand that love and relationships aren’t about always saying yes; it’s about being seen as a whole person, not an extension of someone else.
Freedom isn’t about pushing people away. It’s about allowing oneself to exist fully, without fear. Love should feel like warmth, not weight. Like wings, not chains.