It’s happening in West Asia currently. But since time immemorial, we have read books and seen movies about people coming home from war and emotionally reuniting with their families and friends. The homecoming is always joyous and heralded by tears, hugs and outbursts of celebration. With reason. For the returnees as well as their families, the moment of reunion is a moment of unadulterated joy. Old memories come flooding in and everyone finds comfort in being back in the presence of someone they trust and love.
But homecomings are not all fictional, nor do they happen only to soldiers or prisoners of war. Everyone who’s been away from home for a long, long time—be it to study or work—comes home. And it’s not always easy. Reuniting with family or friends can be a mix of elation, nostalgia—and discomfort.
Because the formal homecoming is only the start. That momentous event is often followed by a quieter, more arduous journey: the struggle for the returnee to readjust to normal life and for their family and friends to reconcile themselves to living with a person who is both intimately familiar and profoundly changed.
It can be a bittersweet experience. On one hand, the returnee is incredibly happy to be home in familiar surroundings; on the other, they discover that they’ve outgrown many of the old routines and habits. They realise that they’ve developed their own way of doing things, their own customs, boundaries, and preferences.
Their family’s behaviour may now seem irksome to them. Used to their independence, they may resent their parents for being overly directive and find the neighbours overly familiar. Were the siblings always so noisy, they think? Or the spouse so possessive?
The family has its own secret misgivings and questions too: when did the returnee become so opinionated or so fussy about their clothes and food, they wonder. Time apart means both parties have grown in ways the other hasn’t witnessed, and this can cause confusion and misunderstandings.
Because those left behind also change. Students come home after college to find their parents have developed new interests and friends and are not around as much as they used to be. Fathers returning from long stints on ships or work assignments overseas find their children are now confident teenagers or even young adults who no longer need their help with anything. A husband comes home expecting to resume his place as head of the family only to find that his quiet wife has become an efficient manager in his absence and is reluctant to relinquish her autonomy.
The returnee, used to a solitary existence, may struggle to connect with an extended family. Simple conversation, which used to flow easily, now feels strained; all questions seem intrusive. Unable or unwilling to share their experiences, they often end up freezing the others out. The family may be eager to connect and support initially but if their efforts are met with prolonged silence or, worse, irritability, they too withdraw and get busy with their own lives. This makes for a very sad situation.
So, what’s the solution?
Well, one way forward is to embrace change instead of resisting it. Both parties need to accept that the person they are rebuilding a life with is a new version of the one they knew before. They have to be ready to set aside dedicated time for deep, patient conversations to build empathy and understanding and to communicate honestly about boundaries and preferences. And, most importantly, they have to offer each other non-judgmental love and acknowledge and accept each other’s growth. If they can do all that long and sincerely enough, the reunion can evolve from a stressful adjustment into a meaningful chapter in their shared story.
