Live State of the Nation Talk Show in a well-known TV studio. The anchor is engaged in an animated discussion with various members of the audience.
Guest 1: The economy is floundering. What’s your channel’s bailout plan?
Anchor: Rhea Chakraborty must be arrested on the non-bailable offence of influencing the Bihar elections. Sushant Singh Rajput’s death is a conspiracy by anti-national elements to malign Karan Johar. We’ve called in forensic psychologists. Rhea gave Sushant homoeopathic medicines. Her papa prescribed Sushant antibiotics for viral fever.
Guest 2: You said homoeopathy.
Anchor: (screaming) You Shaheen Bagh dog! Wait till I tell Kapil Mishra! Delhi Police will file an FIR against you for contempt of news channels and the Supreme Court will deny you bail. You’ll spend the rest of your life in Tihar Jail.
(Guest 2 is taken away in handcuffs by Delhi Police and put on the ‘No-fly list’ of all airlines.)
Guest 3: But Kapil Sibal could file a habeas corpus.
Anchor: Sadly we’re talking about a corpse. The CBI is investigating why Rhea’s bro gave Sushant Coke while he likes nimbu soda according to his street corner paanwallah. Mahesh Bhatt and Rhea spoke on Chinese Xiaomi phones.
Guest 3: But China is occupying Indian land.
Anchor: Rhea Chakraborty’s dad is ex-Army. He wanted to subdue Sushant’s supernatural powers. More after the break.
Guest 3: (mutters) Gimme a break.
Anchor: Sushant’s heart did break when Rhea watched a Brad Pitt film. That girl is the pits.
Guest 4: Should IIT-JEE and NEET exams be held?
Anchor: Rhea met Mamata Banerjee secretly during the filming of Covid: Ek Prem Katha. Both Bengali women are sabotaging Bihar’s education system before the polls.
Guest 4: How has poor healthcare during the pandemic affected the mood of Indians?
Anchor: Sushant’s mood swings happened because Rhea took a Dubai drug dealer to his apartment and picked the lock. His gym partner saw her using the treadmill.
Guest 4: Will Baba Ramdev issue a statement now?
Anchor: The police are investigating why Rhea didn’t give Sushant chyavanprash. It’s raining conspiracies.
Guest 5: The rain has submerged many districts.
Anchor: Rhea and pro-JNU Deepika Padukone shared the same car pool to Mehboob Studios.
Guest 5: Journalism is sinking to new depths.
Anchor: You’re a slimy Pakistani agent who supports the ‘Tukde tukde gang’. Because of libtards like you, Rhea watches Netflix instead of Made-in-India news channels. We’ve proof (waving a receipt) that Sushant had an Amazon Prime subscription, when Aditya Chopra watches Zee. I’ll make sure the ED raids you. (Guest flees with two ED officers in hot pursuit.)
Guest 6: The nation wants to know whether Sushant Singh Rajput is really dead.
Anchor: How dare you! He’s alive and well on TV.
provocateur
Ravi Shankar
ravi@newindianexpress.com