Government bashers are unaware that a Statue of Unity-sized top secret effort is underway to bloody the coronavirus’s nose. It is so hush-hush that even the government does not know about it.
At a top-secret location deep in the Himalayas, which textbooks in Madhya Pradesh schools have identified as the source of ‘sanjeevani booti’ that can create Covid-mukt Bharat, a team of experts is busy saving the country, the party and the world from the nasty bug.
Expert 1: We thank Prime Minister Narendra Modi for giving us a chance to become corona experts on TV.
Expert 2: The latest is that Baba Ramdev’s Corona Asan can cure constipation and headache in mice.
Expert 3: The Baba-variant is a headache in a salwar kameez. Cops are enough to make it run away. We have bigger hassles.
Expert 4: Like the Y-variant in Uttar Pradesh? Niti Aayog wants the five-year time gap between two saffron doses must be extended to contain its spike.
Expert 5: Our expert on the Y-variant went up in smoke recently. A senior team travelling to Lucknow from Delhi has found that the BJP-strain in villages is weakening.
Expert 3: But the R-variant is infecting itself. Laboratory tests in Punjab and Rajasthan show it mutating inside the Congress body politic and spreading rapidly in all states.
Expert 1: That is a deadly triple combination with Sonia, Priyanka and Rahul as co-morbidities. The M-variant is stronger.
Expert 2: But the M-strain is making petrol prices mutate daily. It is the people’s fault for visiting petrol pumps maskless.
Expert 3: The RaGa vaccine is not only ineffective against the M-variant but also strengthens it.
Expert 4: We know that DNA is the root cause of the epidemic in the Congress.
Expert 3: Don’t forget the libtard-strain that has infected Twitter.
Expert 4: Don’t worry, we’ve data on all such anti-national spike proteins.
Expert 3 (An agency mole): The viral response of these variants must be monitored. Both the tweets and they must be taken down. I’m preparing FIRs to study the impact of unpatriotic antibodies on the Central Vista variant which is quarantined so efficiently by Delhi Police that not even the Kejriwal-strain can get anywhere within sneezing distance.
Expert 1: FIRs are giving a new meaning to the lockdown, eh? Ha ha!
Expert 3: Don’t be a seditionist or else Ashoka University won’t give you study grants. Most alarming is that the saffron vaccine isn’t working in the South and Bengal. Sonar Bangla’s M-strain just beat our M-vaccine. Dhankar has commissioned his relatives in the Raj Bhavan to study the TMC-strain, which is giving him a lot of mental strain. We must boost herd immunity with One Virus, One Vaccine. The Pakistan-variant is not spreading as we expected.
All experts together: We have time till 2024. Let’s study the coming of a third Modi Wave.
ravi@newindianexpress.com