Philosophers have long argued whether love is an intrinsic or an instrumental good. In other words, is love valuable for its own sake or is it a way for couples to realise other goals like finding a community, building a family and creating something together? I think love is valuable because it has both intrinsic and instrumental qualities.
It is precious in and of itself, but it can’t be reduced to a spark experienced at the beginning of relationships or during romantic vacations and dates.
For good or for bad, love needs effort, and it is important to explore how the culture of hustle and hard work changes the nature of romantic attachments. Work has come to define most of our existence.
Columnist Derek Thompson coined the term “workism”, which refers to the belief that work is not only necessary to economic production, but also the centerpiece of one’s identity and life’s purpose; and the belief that any policy to promote human welfare must always encourage more work.
Most couples I know spend their lives working. Being ambitious, they tend to talk about work during holidays, weekend getaways and trips with friends. I may have weird friends, but looking at data at
a macro-level, it becomes clear that the phenomena I am referring to is a larger trend.
Perhaps love’s instrumental nature is taking over its intrinsic value. If that’s the case, it is time to pause and recalibrate the way we live our lives. While over-indexing on romance and thrill can backfire when the reality of daily life sets in, underplaying its importance can reduce love to a friendship of convenience and mutual support.
Friendship is one of the most beautiful aspects of being human, but there is a difference. Friendship is not love. It is very much possible to adore a friend and eventually fall in love with him or her. Most humans, however, look for a different kind of fulfillment from romance than they do from camaraderie. Love and friendships also require different types of effort to sustain them.
Unfortunately, “workism” can lead us to either of these three scenarios: Not working to sustain friendships, not working to strengthen relationships, not working for either. My fear is that unless we are mindful about it, we could be left with people we call friends, but don’t really share the bond with, a partner we call our other/better half, but what we have with them is a diluted form of love, or, in the worst case, being left with no friends and no partner. The last scenario is not just a warning, but the reality of an increasingly large proportion of people.
The quality of the lives we lead ultimately comes down to the quality of our relationships. We can’t really replace relational satisfaction with professional achievement. People have tried, but in almost all cases, it doesn’t work out. That’s why I think it is time to replace “workism” and make relational intimacy and contribution the centerpiece of our identity. It doesn’t necessarily mean making your partner your priority, although that can’t hurt. Focusing on relationships basically means placing the same amount of effort on interpersonal bonds as most ambitious people put on work.
Love and any kind of relational intimacy needs continual renewal. Without that, it can become a kind of
a contract that people are obliged to follow, draining the essence or the intrinsic value we attach to it. We live in times of technological change, political disruption and economic uncertainty. Our jobs may or may not last, but relationships and friendships with a solid foundation could be our constants. They could deepen our sense of meaning, but it won’t just happen unless we make it a priority.
I have known people with remarkably successful professional lives and sorry personal lives. I have seen them regret and reflect when it is too late to do something about it. I am, however, yet to meet someone who had great relationships and regretted investing time and energy nurturing them. Regret is revealing. So ask yourself what you would regret in the long term? The answer might just help you reprioritise.
This article might come across as a nudge to prioritise love over work, but as someone who built a large platform to help people find meaningful work, I can say with conviction that the two don’t need to compete for our attention. Striking the right balance is the real challenge and an adventure worth embarking upon.
Utkarsh Amitabh
CEO, Network Capital; Chevening Fellow, University of Oxford
Posts on X (formerly known as Twitter): @utkarsh_amitabh