Every other day, a new app pops up, offering to translate your words into different languages. The companies claim that nothing can now stop us from communicating with the world. They’re right, and wrong.
Technology has certainly made it easy for us to talk to people sitting in remote corners of the world. Why just talk; apps such as Lipdub even let us sing to others in 28 languages. But, sadly, there’s one thing that technology can’t do. Not yet. It can’t help us have a meaningful conversation with a stranger. Being introduced to someone, no matter how famous, is one thing. But engaging them in conversation and keeping them interested in chatting with us is quite another.
Have you ever struggled to keep a conversation going? I have—more than once. I still cringe when I think of one particular incident from decades ago. Attending a dinner party at a friend’s home, I caught sight of an author I revere. Excited, I asked the host to introduce me. She did that, and then left the two of us together.
Keen to get a conversation started, I reached into my small talk bowl and pulled out whatever topics I could find. The weather, the traffic, India’s incessant holidays, my job; I took a stab at them all. (Those were pre-pollution days, otherwise I would have probably held forth on that too.) The more desperate I got, the more I rambled on about the most mundane things. And the more I rambled, the more disinterested my companion became. Eventually, their responses became monosyllabic and their eyes darted round the room, as if searching for an escape route. An uncomfortable silence settled around us, till I murmured something about “going round the corner”, and slunk out of sight. I left the party almost immediately, and went home to lick my embarrassed wounds in private.
I let a few months pass before I told my friends about the incident. They guffawed and teased me at first, but then helped me understand where I had gone wrong. Starting a conversation with small talk is fine, they said. But you can’t get stuck there. Even your mother will try and escape if you talk to her about the weather or traffic for 15 minutes, said one friend.
I know now that once you’ve used some basic topics to make contact, you need to quickly move on to personalised subjects that are tailored to appeal to your conversation partner. Instead of chattering about yourself, you have to ask people about the things that interest them. While talking to the writer,
I should have mentioned a book of theirs, which resonated with me and asked about the thought process behind it.
‘Ask, not tell’ is the secret to good conversation. Open-ended questions invariably get people chatting about their ideas and actions. Stories emerge and, before you know it, the small talk is left behind in the dust. Drone on about yourself, and you’re the one left lying in the dust. Because, when it comes to conversation, it’s interested people who are the most interesting.
Shampa Dhar-Kamath
Delhi-based writer, editor and communication coach
shampadhar@gmail.com