We become the stories we tell ourselves
Philosopher Alasdair MacIntyre once noted, “I can only answer the question ‘What am I to do?’ if I can answer the prior question ‘Of what story or stories do I find myself a part?’”
While we often think of stories as external—crafted by societies, cultures, and history—one of the most powerful narratives we live by is the one we tell ourselves. This internal dialogue, or chatter, as psychologist Ethan Kross calls it, is the foundation for how we interpret everything. Kross, who studies introspection at the Emotion and Self-Control Lab at the University of Michigan, explores this in his book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head and How to Harness It. He argues that our inner voice shapes not only our mood and mental health but also how we navigate challenges, large and small.
Kross suggests that “distanced self-talk” can be a powerful psychological tool to help us manage difficult emotions. Simply put, we should speak to ourselves as we would to a close friend. It’s a way of gaining perspective, taking a step back from overwhelming emotions, and finding a clearer, more grounded response.
When things are going well, many of us tell ourselves stories that are uplifting because we can visualise a bright future. But during times of global or personal crisis, distanced self-talk can provide a lifeline. Kross also recommends “temporal distancing,” which involves shifting our focus from the immediate future to a longer time horizon.
Instead of asking how we’ll feel tomorrow after a major setback, we should project ourselves a year, or even a decade, into the future. This technique helps us visualise a future where the current crisis isn’t as overwhelming, giving us a more accurate—and often less painful—perspective on our situation.
In times like these, Kross’s advice resonates deeply, “We’re not going to rid the world of anxiety and depression. Negative emotions are good in small doses. But it is possible to turn down the temperature a bit when it’s running too high.”
The stories we tell ourselves don’t have to be perfect or free from struggle. They just need to give us enough clarity to see the future with hope, enough distance to manage the present, and enough perspective to rewrite the narratives that are no longer serving us.
When we were growing up, my mother would tell my brother and me stories before putting us to sleep. These stories were fascinating, and we enjoyed listening to them. But their biggest contribution to our lives has been sparking our imagination. When things go awry, we of course try to deal with them rationally, but it really helps to weave a brighter future with the story we are telling ourselves. Instead of obsessing over everything that can go wrong, we should train ourselves to construct a compelling narrative and work to make it happen. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
From what I observe, many ambitious professionals often berate themselves. When they do something bad, they don’t tell themselves I did something bad. They tell themselves, “I am bad.” Being harsh and lacking kindness toward oneself has absolutely no upside. We might think it is a momentary flash of anger and disappointment, but its effect lingers. We slowly become the villains of our story.
Learning to be kind to myself has been one of the most pivotal skills I’ve learned over the years. It has helped me maintain a sense of adventure and possibility toward the world. I am happy with where I am in life, but I am proud of the fact that I am not a skeptic. This, in no small measure, is a function of the personal narrative I’ve shaped over the years.
Utkarsh Amitabh
CEO, Network Capital; Chevening Fellow, University of Oxford
Posts on X: @utkarsh_amitabh