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Grief, at its core, is a many-splendoured thing

Grief is a universal emotion, a natural response to loss. we need to suitably adjust our acceptance, come to terms with it.
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With all that’s happening around us—war, genocide, displacement, disease—this is as good a time as any to talk about the nature of grief and grieving.

Grief, say clinical psychologists, is a universal emotion, a natural response to loss. It hits us in small and big waves, and we need to suitably adjust our acceptance, come to terms with it. Typically, we are submerged, flail about ineffectually, then slowly surface, breathless but well aware that we have not drowned.

In her book The Grieving Brain, clinical psychologist and neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor shares her lesson that grieving is, in fact, a learning experience for the human being. We first succumb to our sorrow. Then we slowly accept that the world continues to turn, that people around us are going about doing what they usually do every day of their lives. This knowledge can overwhelm one individual, inspire another to face down their sadness and move on as best as they can.

Not all grief springs from personal loss. I recently read a newspaper article describing Gen Z which said one of their shaping characteristics was that they had never known a country not at war. I take this to mean they think countries continuously going to protracted war is routine, par for the course. This brought out a small spurt of grief in me, and it didn’t take rocket science to deduce that I was grieving for innocence lost.

Why have I teamed grief with splendour? Because, grief is a rich tapestry of emotions. It’s the other face of yearning, a deep dive into a montage of memories, an acknowledgement of love and objectively viewed, a splendid patchwork quilt of sentiments. It’s also a weltering anger at one’s loss.

Then, the level of attachment informs the intensity of the grief. There are those who are so tied to their kith and kin that they cannot envisage a life without the absent one, and literally go to pieces. They suffer from what Dr O’Connor terms “prolonged grief disorder”, where months and years after the bereavement, they are simply unable to pick up the routine of their everyday life, and need outside intervention to heal.

Then there are others who will, after a certain period of time, dig deep into their inner resources and find ways to cope. Support groups, jobs and careers, guided meditation, external distractions, everything and anything that helps is grist to the mill of bereaved minds.

It would help to acknowledge that grief never really fades away or lessens with the passage of time. Yes, time is all it is cranked up to be: a great healer. But what it does in the nature of grieving is a kintsugi job, repairing our heartbreak with the powdered gold and silver dust of comforting memories. Think about it. We don’t carry the grief of a loss with us all the time, not usually. What we do is shelve it after a while. There it sits, perched high so as not to be seen every day or dealt with frequently. But it’s there and we know it. And every once in a while, we bring it down, dust it off and give in to a fresh outpour of pain at our loss.

Most feelings of grief can be and are usually dealt with. However, grieving for a generation that has not seen countries living in peace with each other? Now, that’s something I’m finding hard to deal with.

Sheila Kumar

Author

kumar.sheila@gmail.com

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