The secret sauce to lasting friendships
In the first week of January, I received an unexpected phone call from a cherished family friend, someone I hadn’t met in 17 long years. Our last interaction had been a brief exchange of messages three years prior, and since then, we hadn’t been in touch. She was visiting Bengaluru from the US with her family and expressed a desire to meet us. Without hesitation, we invited them over.
What followed was nothing short of extraordinary. The moment they stepped through the door, it felt as though time had rewound itself. The conversation, unmarked by awkward pauses, flowed effortlessly. The only noticeable changes were that our children had blossomed into adults, and our hair bore more silver strands. The intervening years had simply melted away, and we seamlessly picked up where we had left off—or perhaps, we had never truly left off at all. This friendship, one of my oldest, had stood resilient against the relentless march of time.
Scientific studies have long established that close friendships are vital for our happiness and mental wellbeing. They enhance self-esteem, alleviate anxiety and depression, and foster a profound sense of belonging. Friendships also act as powerful stress relievers, anchoring us in life’s storms. A 2008 study demonstrated this beautifully: participants climbing a hill with a friend perceived it as less steep than those climbing alone. Friendships shape not just our emotional world but even how we surmount challenges.
During adolescence, friendships are the cornerstone of our very existence, shaping our emotional growth, belief systems, and academic performance. They thrive on shared experiences and frequent interactions. However, as we transition into adulthood, the dynamics of friendships shift dramatically. Life’s demands—careers, families, relocations—often push friendships to the periphery. Many falter due to growing apart or changing priorities.
Yet, some friendships endure, impervious to time’s erosion. This recent reunion made me reflect on what sets such bonds apart. What is the secret sauce that preserves certain friendships while others fade away?
Gratitude, I realised is a massive differentiator. I recalled a harrowing time when my father passed away suddenly, leaving me grappling with responsibilities. This friend stepped in, caring for my young children, packing their lunches, and ensuring they attended school alongside her own. Her kindness remains etched in my memory. Similarly, she reminisced about a time when I supported her during a complicated pregnancy, staying by her side while her family attended a wedding abroad. These acts of unwavering support created a foundation of mutual respect and profound appreciation.
Lasting friendships thrive on shared values, deep trust and adaptability to life’s inevitable changes. Friendships that withstand the test of time are built on a bedrock of a deep understanding of each other and accepting that things change. The truest friendships aren’t measured by the time spent together but by the timeless bond that neither distance nor years can diminish. The secret sauce is perhaps a willingness to accept the person for who they are at that point in time.
Preeti Shenoy
Novelist, Illustrator, Speaker
Instagram: @preeti.shenoy