Make a mark with graceful conversations
Debates and lively conversations are integral elements of the Oxford life. Thrice a week we dress up in gowns and sit across the table for a formal hall dinner. The food is usually great but what makes or breaks the evening is the conversational quality.
Some conversations make us laugh, some challenge us, some change our minds, and some are simply about the banal nothings of everyday life: weather, taxes and inflation. I have observed and been part of many of these conversations and realised that more than the topic of discussion, the one quality that makes for a great conversationalist is conversational grace. It isn’t simply about being polite or broaching safe topics. Instead, it comes down to the willingness to engage with the unfamiliar with curiosity and open mindedness.
F Scott Fitzgerald once said, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” In Fitzgerald’s most well-known novel The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby clings to the dream of rekindling his past love with Daisy Buchanan, even as reality continually proves that time cannot be rewound. Similarly, Nick Carraway, the novel’s narrator, admires Gatsby’s idealism while simultaneously recognising its futility.
These examples are perhaps too extreme for dinner table conversations, but the principle remains the same: Captivating conversations about letting go of structure and certainty and embracing the ambiguity between moments. They aren’t about proving a point or demonstrating how well read or well travelled we are, but about playing gracefully with ideas.
One of history’s greatest conversationalists was Oscar Wilde because he could turn any conversation into an artful exchange. His ability to blend humour, paradox, and insight made him a master of dialogue, both in social settings and in his literary works. In The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Importance of Being Earnest, and his essays, Wilde frequently showcases his talent for playing gracefully with ideas, often presenting seemingly contradictory statements with elegance and ease. For example, his famous remark: “I can resist everything except temptation.”
This kind of paradoxical humour is the hallmark of a great conversationalist—someone who provokes thought without confrontation, who entertains without being evangelical. Wilde’s presence in salons and dinner parties was legendary because he resisted trying to prove himself and thrived in the interplay or the dance of ideas.
I am still learning to play gracefully with ideas but I am happy about the fact that I have been a good student of the art. I have lived in four countries, and never quite understood a place because of its famous buildings and parks. All I remember are the conversations and conversationalists who opened up, humoured my interests, and gifted me with a cultural roadmap of the place without judgment or scepticism. They made the experience of being a foreigner safe, and in ways, profound.
Even at work, conversations have changed my life, not meetings with a set agenda. Few years back, I had dinner with Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella in Davos. There were many more important people in the room, but he was kind enough to include me in the discussion and ask for my points of view. I said some interesting things but more than anything else, I remember the delight of being on the table without the pressure of proving my worth.
After the meeting, we exchanged some notes and I asked him for some advice before he left. He said, “I have taken every job that I have ever had as the most important job to be done. It has helped.” That day I internalised what good leadership looks like and what conversational grace really is.
Utkarsh Amitabh
CEO, Network Capital; Chevening Fellow, University of Oxford
Posts on X: @utkarsh_amitabh