Iwas 10 years old when I got that unforgettable special gift on my birthday. My very own blue cycle. Lots of feelings came rushing while I first tried to learn riding it. Fear of falling. Excitement that I am going to be learning something new that I will cherish. Confidence that if my friend could do it, so could I. Anxiety of getting embarrassed if I fail. I always had my father right behind me, guiding me and encouraging me. Occasionally finding the mistakes, but always helping.
Flash-forward 2 decades. Another special gift — a baby. Suddenly, similar emotions course through me. Fear mixed with excitement. Anxiety mixed with joy. Confidence and then suddenly self-doubt. And this time, it was my mama and mama-in-law backing me up, guiding, encouraging, finding the mistakes that I made plenty of times, but always helping.
I got on the cycle and tried to pedal away. And fell down right away. Success takes its’ time. It also takes a few bad falls, but slowly I got used to my cycle and it got used to me. I learnt how to cycle on clear roads, on busy ones, on pot-holed ones, on curved ones and on when to use the bell. I sometime cycled too fast for my father to run along. He let me go and sometimes I fell, sometimes I didn’t. At the times I fell, he came running to pick me up. At times he couldn’t catch up with me, his heart may have been filled with dread – for me and the blue cycle.
Instructions from my father on cycling: Look ahead, manage the direction. Don’t get distracted by the small stones.
Mothering. Not too different. This one too requires time and some inevitable falls and following instructions from the previous generation. I am learning even now after several years, on how to “mother” on clear days, on lousy days, on “I don’t want your food” days, on “I want all the things you can buy and those that you can’t” days, on “I don’t want to share anything” days, on “I don’t want a sister” days. And on when to use the bell, when to let the temper fly and when exactly to call a therapist for inner peace. At times, when I feel I have fallen, my mama and mama-in-law come running to pick the baby up. At times, even when I feel confident about mothering, I feel sure their hearts are still filled with dread.
What I have learnt on mothering: Look ahead, manage the direction. Don’t stress over the small things. Over time, I mastered the cycle and felt the wind through my hair as I raced down a road on it. My blue cycle and I became inseparable. I rode it when I was happy, when I was sad, when I needed some air and a break. Riding on it made me feel totally alive. I learnt to find joy in sharing the cycle too. Sometimes the cycle and I didn’t want each other. But, only for a while. And then we were back together enjoying each other.
I do hope I don’t have to master the art of mothering before the kids and I get to the special level of bonding I have with my blue cycle.