It’s the silly season in Uttar Pradesh again—pre-election time. Along with planning campaigns, cobbling coalitions, arranging funding, preventing splits and thinking up believable promises, party panjandrums are burning the midnight oil honing in on ‘winnable’ candidates. But getting hold of good candidates is also proving to be very difficult this time.
“The Supreme Court has created the problem,” explained the leader of a party known for its ‘don’ legislators. “We have plenty of potential winners who are in jail for murder, robbery and scams. But after the way poor Shahabuddin’s bail was cancelled in Bihar, we have little hope of getting our men out.”
“So, what do you intend to do now ?”
“Well, we have our eyes on the second rung Mafiosi who have managed to stay out of jail. But they suffer from the handicap of not being enough of a terror to force the electorate to vote for them. And not being top bosses, their loyalty is doubtful.”
This time, funding is also a severe challenge for regional parties. As a strategist explained, “Earlier, we used to rely on the extortionists and scamsters for funding. Now the demon of demonetisation has rendered their wealth worthless. We may have to rely on scarce white money ... Our netas may have to go back to bullock carts. Many of them are refusing to campaign in the interiors.”
Asked how it was faring with picking suitable candidates, a national party’s spokesperson said, “Oh, we have no problem. After noticing how avidly the audience picked up khatiyas provided for Rahulji’s speech, we have snared the prominent cot makers as our candidates. To make up for any shortage, we are planning to rope in leading hookah makers since the hubble-bubble is another popular item of fellowship in our villages.”
The BSP spokesperson was looking morose. Explaining his worries, he confided, “The problem is Behenji does not have an extensive family unlike Netaji. So, we do not have readymade candidates in bahus, betis, bhanjas and bhatijas—not to speak of mamas and kakis. Relying on outsiders is pretty risky since their loyalty after elections is dicey.” “We are going to rope in a lot of sculptors, painters and other practitioners of the fine arts whom we can keep on our side by promising them commissions to make Behenji’s portraits after the polls.”
The other national party in the fracas was quite sanguine. “We have no dearth of excellent candidates,” informed its publicist, “what with a plethora of go-raskhaks, Ram Mandir activists, moral policemen and the like.”
Email: nnsachi@yahoo.com